[fic]Mizu-Kagami 6/9

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Mizu-Kagami 6/9
Fandom: Digimon 02
Rating: K+
Pairings/Warnings: Kensuke
Previous Parts: 1 2 3 4 5

Daisuke trudged dejectedly into his apartment, tossing off his shoes as he entered. Chibimon and Minomon were nestled comfortably in his backpack. Jun looked up from the couch as Daisuke headed into his room.

“Geez, Daisuke, what happened?” she asked. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”

Daisuke made a strangled noise and slammed his door shut. Jun stared in confusion.

“What’d I say?”

Daisuke sighed and sunk down on his bed as he opened up his backpack. Chibimon darted out, with Minomon following at a much more sedate pace. Ken’s Digimon was about as happy as Daisuke about leaving Ken trapped until the next day.

“I hate this!” Daisuke punched his pillow, which didn’t really make him feel much better. “Who knows what could be happening to Ken right now? I’m supposed to be his best friend, how can I just leave him there when I know he’s in trouble?”

“It’s not your fault,” Chibimon insisted. “Gennai said he can’t open a gateway until tomorrow. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

“He’s right, Daisuke,” Minomon said seriously. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should have held on tighter.”

“It’s not your fault, either!” Chibimon rounded on him. The blue Digimon sighed. “Why is it my job to keep you two from having a pity party?”

Daisuke laughed and picked up his partner.

“Sorry about that, little guy,” he said. “I guess me and Minomon aren’t being much fun today, are we?”

“Nope,” Chibimon said gravely. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset, though. Ken will be all right, won’t he? He used to be the Kaiser, after all. I bet he can beat anything.”

“Wish I had your confidence,” Daisuke replied. “But it’s not that simple.”

Chibimon opened his mouth to say something when he was cut off by a shout from Jun.

“Hey, Daisuke! Your friend Ken’s here to see you!”

“What?” Daisuke stood up, his expression darkening.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Chibimon asked.

“Hell yeah,” Daisuke replied. “I’m gonna give Kagami a piece of my mind whether he wants me to or not.”

Daisuke exited the room and went to the door, where Jun was standing with Kagami.

“Come on, ‘Ken,’” Daisuke said roughly. “Let’s go to my room. We need to talk.”

“Are you two having a fight or something?” Jun questioned.

“Or something,” Daisuke stated as he ushered Kagami into his room and closed the door.

“Is something troubling you, Daisuke?” Kagami asked. His eyes alighted on the two Digimon on Daisuke’s bed. “Ah, Minomon, there you are. I was coming over to see if Daisuke knew where you had gone.”

“He came with me,” Daisuke said slowly, “because he didn’t want to stay with you. Because you’re not Ken.”

Daisuke had expected Kagami to deny the accusation, to accuse him of dreaming up some sort of lie. He was even prepared to be attacked. What he wasn’t prepared for was Kagami’s simple shrug, accompanied by a calm nod.

“So....you admit that you’re not Ken?” Daisuke ventured hesitantly, wondering if he had lost control of the situation already.

“I wasn’t,” Kagami said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I am now.”

“No,” Daisuke said emphatically. “You’re not. Not my Ken.”

“But I am yours,” Kagami replied. “Now, at this time, I am Ken. And, as I am Ken, I am and always will be yours. Ken Ichijouji belongs to you, Daisuke, didn’t you know that?”

“N-no, you’ve got it wrong,” Daisuke sputtered, suddenly very confused. “You might look like Ken, but you aren’t. I know who you are. You’re...Kagami.”

“I was,” Kagami replied, shrugging again. “But Kagami was nothing. Kagami had no memories, no body, no true name. But now.... now I have the memories of Ken Ichijouji. So that makes me Ken Ichijouji, does it not? And the being who once was I is now nothing, just as I was. We have....traded places. But you need not worry. I am Ken, and Ken is the one you care about, yes?”

“You don’t get it!” Daisuke tried again. “No matter what you look like and what you remember, you’re not Ken!”

“Your agitation confuses me,” Kagami said. “If I have Ken’s form and memories, how can I not be Ken? I know all he knew. I am all he was. As such, I am him. The boy you think is Ken does not remember anything, so he is not anything. Is that not correct?”

“No, that’s not!” Daisuke stated. “How can you be so calm about this? Don’t you remember who you used to be, what happened to you?”

“I remember the Kaiser--” Kagami started to say, but Daisuke interrupted him.

“Not what Ken was!” he said. “What Kagami was. Gennai told us. You used to be a Chosen Child, like us. Then someone else in that stupid lake sucked you in and took your form, and now you’ve done the same thing to Ken! Don’t you feel bad at all?”

“Why should I feel bad?” Kagami asked. “I was most lonely in the lake. The boy who was Ken spoke to me, told me of the wondrous world outside. He offered to be my friend, and was most helpful in allowing me to experience all the great things he experienced.”

“What?!” Daisuke was livid. “Ken tried to be your friend and still you--you--” He couldn’t say it, he was so angry.

“Have my actions upset you?” Kagami’s calm voice only made Daisuke’s anger rise. Suddenly, impulsively, his fist flashed out and hit Kagami in the face. Kagami fell back, touching his cheek in confusion.

“You just don’t get it!” Daisuke half-shouted. “Ken was trying to help you! He was--he was being nice to you, you bastard, and this is how you repaid him? And you don’t even have the decency to feel guilty!” His eyes grew cold. “That’s how I know you can’t be Ken. Because the Ken that I know would never harm anyone who offered to be his friend. Not now, not after everything he’s been through. The Ken I know is the kindest guy I know. I--I--”

“You love me, do you not?” Kagami said with a slight smile. “I suspected, from these memories.”

“No!” Daisuke snapped. “I don’t love you. I love Ken!”

In a flash the implications of what he had said washed over him and Daisuke clapped a hand over his mouth, completely mortified and totally confused.

“See?” In the silence, Chibimon’s comment to Minomon rang out clear. “Told you so.”

“I--That’s not what I meant--” Daisuke scrambled for an explanation. It isn’t what I meant, is it? I can’t be in love with Ken! He’s my best friend, and another boy and--and--

And he haunts my dreams at night and he’s always in my mind. I’m always thinking about him at the strangest times....I always feel happiest when he’s near me, just because he’s Ken....

Is it true, then? Do I--Could I be in love with my best friend?

“So I was right.” Kagami nodded to himself. “I found the word in my memories. Love. You know what love is, yes? I thought for a moment that it was the tight feeling in my chest, but I think different now. I read the word love in every one of these memories involving you, Daisuke. So I knew that you must feel this emotion for Ken.” He smiled and ran a hand along Daisuke’s cheek. “Did you know that Ken Ichijouji loves you too, Daisuke? I have a memory here, from not long ago, of Ken Ichijouji turning the thought over in his head. I feel something shining in my core when you look at me. I think that it is...love? Is that the correct emotion?”

“I.....don’t know.” Daisuke turned away.

“Why are you so upset?” Kagami wondered. “Does it not please you to know that I love you? That Ken Ichijouji has loved you for a very long time indeed?”

There was another silence, then it was broken once more by the Digimon. Except this time it was Minomon saying “I told you so.”

“But...you can’t love me,” Daisuke stated. “You--you don’t even know me.”

“I know all about you,” Kagami said. “We jogressed together. We played soccer against each other. We--”

“No, we didn’t!” Daisuke said. He took a deep breath, trying to collect his scattered thoughts. “Listen. You said you remember when Ken and I jogressed. When our hearts beat together, in time...”

“Yes. I recall that.” Kagami smiled. “That was when the warm feeling started.”

“But it wasn’t you.” Daisuke touched his chest with one hand and Kagami’s with the other. “I can feel your heart beating, but it’s not Ken’s heart. You might remember when our hearts beat in time, but you weren’t there. You weren’t the one who felt it. It was Ken’s heart that beat with mine. Not yours. Ken’s. And that’s why you can’t be Ken. I know it. Wormmon knows it. Heck, this knows it.” He reached down and took the black D-3 off Kagami’s belt. “I bet that’s why Wormmon couldn’t evolve. It’s like when we jogress. A copy of Ken can’t make his Digimon evolve because Wormmon’s attuned to Ken, not you. And Ken’s the only whose heart can beat with mine.”

There was another long silence. Kagami looked from Daisuke to the black D-3, which was as unresponsive as if it had been broken.

“I.....I don’t understand,” Kagami said finally. “I was certain that this body....that this heart would be mine if I had the form, the name, the memories. Yet what you say....Is it not enough? What must I do, then, to truly be Ken Ichijouji? Tell me and I shall do it. Then all will be well, yes? We will all be happy.”

“There’s no way to become Ken,” Daisuke said. “You still don’t get it, do you? No matter what you remember experiencing, you weren’t there to feel it.”

“Do you remember when Osamu died?” Minomon spoke up unexpectedly. Daisuke and Kagami turned to look at him. “Well?” The Digimon prompted.

“I do recall,” Kagami replied. “And...it is very odd. Whenever I hear that name, I feel as though I have been wounded.”

“It’s called grief,” Minomon said in a low voice. “My Ken-chan never wants to lose anybody because his grief over his brother is still so great. And like Daisuke says, you didn’t feel that grief. You can’t ever understand how miserable Ken-chan was after that, how he felt when he came to me a few days later in tears--” Minomon’s voice choked at the memory and he had to stop for a moment. “How can you be Ken if you don’t even know what the feeling’s called?”

“I know now,” Kagami said slowly.

“But he had to tell you,” Daisuke said. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. It’s more than body and memories that make a person. I’ve known there was something wrong for a while, even though I didn’t know what. Because Ken acts different. His personality isn’t yours. He’s got all sorts of feelings mixed up inside him. It makes him sad sometimes, I know, because I’ve seen him cry before and I’ve seen him be depressed. Even when he’s smiling, I always feel like there’s something behind that smile that’s not right, like something’s....I don’t know, broken inside him, and it’s gonna take a while to fix. I’ve been trying to fix it, and so has Minomon, and so have all our friends. You don’t have that. You don’t have Ken’s kindness either, or that....that unsure feeling he always seems to have. You can’t be Ken without feeling anything he felt.”

“But I do feel those things,” Kagami said. “I simply do not know the names. Certainly I can figure out the names in time.”

“It’s not the same.” Daisuke shook his head. “I’m starting to think that this is pointless. There’s more to being a person than having their memories, and you just don’t understand that. You haven’t experienced anything. Ken has. It’s what’s made him himself, and you can’t just clone something like that.”

“I....I do not understand this at all,” Kagami said. “I was certain. I was certain that his memories could be my own.” He shook his head. “I must think about what you have said. I must be Ken. If I am not, then I am nothing once more. I shall not be nothing again.”

“Just because you’re not Ken doesn’t mean you’re nothing,” Chibimon spoke up.

“But it does,” Kagami said. His eyes never left Daisuke’s face as he spoke. “Are you certain of this? That I am not Ken? That I never can be?”

“You can call yourself whatever you want,” Daisuke replied. “You’ll never be Ken. Not the Ken that I lo--that I’m best friends with.” Daisuke shifted nervously. He wasn’t quite ready to face that other emotion Kagami had made him reveal. Not just yet, not while things were so confusing. “Tomorrow we’re going to rescue Ken. And then everything’s going to be like it was. Ken will be himself and you can just find yourself your own personality....one that’s not stolen.”

“I must think about this,” Kagami stated, and turned to go. He stopped in the doorway and turned to look at Daisuke again. “My D-3...”

“It’s not yours,” Daisuke said, tightening his fist slightly over the device in his hand. “It’s Ken’s. And when we see him, I’m gonna give it to him.”

“He won’t recall anything, you know,” Kagami said, giving it one last try. “Of the two of us, only I have the memories of Ken Ichijouji.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Daisuke said grimly. “You’re still just a cheap replacement.”

He slammed the door and sank down on his bed. He heard Jun let Kagami out and heard the door close. Daisuke stared at the D-3 in his hand and resumed hoping that there would be something left of Ken to return it to.

~~~

So close, so close. The barrier had forced him down, he was nearly on the bottom. Ken could feel his fear seeping from him like the blood through his wounds. With that terror gone he was sinking. His body felt as heavy as his heart.

Is there no escape? he thought weakly.

No, came the reply from somewhere unknown. It echoed through the water and shook his frail body down to the bones. He was cold and tired, and all the fight and fear had gone. With the calm of one who believes that there can be nothing worse done to him than has already been done, Ken sank.

His feet touched the bottom of the lake, and the world exploded around him.