[fic]Wish We Never Met 5/?

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Wish We Never Met 5/?
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: T
Pairings/Warnings: AkiHika
Previous Parts: 1 2 3 4

Akira pushed his way through the crowd, not caring that he was being rude. He just wanted to get away, far away, before Hikaru could overcome his shock and drag up the presence of mind to follow his fleeing rival.

What was I thinking? He ducked into an alley and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. His legs were shaking again, unused to the constant running away.

But isn’t that what I’ve been doing, for a very long time? I’ve just been running away, again and again, because I can’t face it. I can’t face him. I--I can’t even face me. My emotions. It’s all too new, too--too--I don’t know. Wrong. That’s what it is. Wrong. I’m sure of it. Me feeling is wrong. I didn’t want to feel.

Akira carefully peered out into the street, and almost immediately caught sight of Hikaru, wandering along and looking left and right, obviously searching for him. Akira hung back, hiding in the shadows, and crouched down so that he was nothing more than a darkened shape huddling on the cold hard ground. He felt tears still wet on his face and angrily wiped them away.

I don’t want to talk anymore, Shindou. I’ve said enough. I’ve said too much. He glanced up slowly, then ducked his head again as he caught sight of Hikaru walking past. There was a strange look on the other boy’s face, a mixture of confusion and something else that Akira couldn’t quite name.

Is he upset? He should be. What I said... Akira shook his head wildly. I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t mean it. Touya Akira doesn’t fall in love. It’s just not something that I could do. I’m supposed to be calm, emotionless. Go is the only thing I’m supposed to love. I can’t let myself have...feelings for someone. And he’s my rival besides! I’m not supposed to love him, I’m not! He’s only here for me to play against. I’m not supposed to love him. I don’t want to love him.

Akira stayed huddled in the dark for what seemed to be a very long time, until he was absolutely certain that Hikaru had stopped searching for him. He rose shakily and stumbled back out into the street. The sky seemed far too gray all of the sudden.

So what do I do now? Shindou won’t let me forget this. He certainly won’t let me get by him without...talking. The word was almost a curse in his mind. And what will I say then? That it was a mistake? That I shouldn’t have said it? Because I truly feel that I shouldn’t have. But Shindou won’t let it go that easily. He’s not the type to do something like that, because he doesn’t quite understand who I am. I don’t want to talk or explain. I--I just want to pretend it never happened. To pretend I never knew him.

But what would I have been then? The thought crept in uninvited. What kind of person would I be without Shindou? Not the one I am now, certainly. Before I met him I was...I don’t know. Not quite empty, not quite halved, but not full or whole either. I was--was--waiting, I suppose. For someone. For him. Even before I knew him, I was waiting for him. I needed a rival, I know that.

But I don’t need someone to love. I don’t.

Akira glanced back towards the Go Salon, half-expecting to see Hikaru still standing in the street, looking for him. Seeing no one familiar, he sighed and began the long walk home.

I have a game tomorrow, as does Shindou. Perhaps I can show up late, miss him? No, that won’t work. He’ll pester me during lunch, or after the game. I could stay home again, but I don’t want to miss another game. He sighed and shivered as the cold wind blew his hair into his face. This won’t work. I--I can’t--I--

Akira swallowed hard and leaned against a building, letting his thoughts trail off.

What if Shindou doesn’t want to talk either? The thought was unexpected, and Akira felt another shiver run through him. I’d like that, but...but what would it mean? What I just said...was he be offended by it? Angry? He may well hate me now, for all I know. Perhaps he never even wants to see me again. Perhaps he was chasing after me to tell me never to speak to him again.

Perhaps....it’s always perhaps. Could I handle it if it was more than just a ‘perhaps?’ I don’t want to love him, but--but I don’t want to lose him, either. I--I feel like I want everything one moment and then nothing the next, that I want him to stay beside me and play against me, but then a moment later I find myself wishing I’d never seen him.

No. I won’t think about this now. Tomorrow I’ll deal with it all, somehow. Right now...right now I just want to pretend that I never said a word to him. That I never cared for him in any way. Hardening his resolve, Akira strode purposefully towards home. Without even realizing it he looked back one last time, but saw no familiar face. Pulling his coat tighter around himself, Akira went home.

~~~

The next day he stood in the cold and the wet outside of the Go Institute, staring upwards. He wasn’t quite ready to go in yet.

Will Shindou be there already? he wondered. He’s generally close to being late, but...I’m not sure. There must be some way to avoid him, there must. I can’t face him anymore, not after all those foolish things I said.

Glancing around furtively, Akira hurried inside. He settled himself in an out of the way corner just adjacent to the room where the games were to be held, and kept his eyes on the elevator door. He couldn’t help but grimace at the irony of it--only a few days ago he had been in a similar position, waiting for Shindou, but that time he had been trying to talk to the other boy. Now Akira only wanted to ignore him.

“Akira-kun?” A voice called his name and Akira jumped, surprised. He turned to see Ashiwara approaching him.

“Ah, Ashiwara-san, h-hello,” he stammered, trying to appear calm and unruffled while continuing to keep one eye on the elevator.

“Are you feeling better already? Touya-sensei mentioned that yesterday you came home looking very pale. And I heard that you ran out of the Go Salon, too,” Ashiwara said, concern in his tone.

“I’m fine,” Akira said quickly, trying to decide if it would be better to keep up the conversation, thus making sure that he was occupied whenever Hikaru happened to show up, or if he should rather find a way to end it swiftly, so that he could hide unseen in the shadows again. “Yesterday was just a--a bad day.” He swallowed hard. “Shindou and I had another fight, that was all. He’s very...irritating.” He paused and glanced back at the door. “I’m going into the game room now. If you see Shindou, would you please tell him that I don’t want to talk him?”

“Okay, but--” Akira had ducked inside before Ashiwara could even finish his sentence. The man stared after Akira for a moment, then shrugged and wandered over to talk to another player who had just arrived.

There it is, then. If Shindou asks about me--would he ask?-- he’ll know that I don’t want to talk to him, can’t talk to him. Akira leaned against the wall, his eyes closed, trying to let his thoughts run their course before the game. I have to make myself forget him, no matter what it takes. I won’t play distractedly, like last time. I will be focused, and I will not think of Shindou. I--I don’t need him. There are many others who could be my rival, others who play better than he does. It doesn’t matter if no one else my age is really of any concern to me, other than him. He will be just another opponent, if that is what it takes to keep me from seeing him as someone special. If I have to force myself to ignore him, to despise him if need be, that’s what I’ll do.

I won’t love him. I refuse to. I am Touya Akira, and Touya Akira has nothing but Go.

Satisfied but not really, Akira moved away from the wall towards one of the Gobans sitting in the room. His opponent would likely be there shortly; other pros were already filing in. Akira tried not to look at the door, but found his gaze drawn there anyway.

The room was nearly full when Hikaru walked in the door. Akira felt himself tense up as the other boy looked at him. There was confusion and hurt plain in his face, and Akira felt his heartbeat quicken. He swiftly looked away.

I don’t care about you, Shindou, he thought, as if he could send the thoughts straight from his mind to Hikaru’s. Do you understand me? I don’t care about you. I’m not your friend. And I don’t love you.

Hikaru began to walk towards him, and it was all Akira could do to his keep his gaze on the empty Go board. The other boy paused beside him and opened his mouth as if to speak, but Akira purposefully turned him head away.

“Touya, we need to--” Hikaru began, and Akira cut him off swiftly.

“Don’t you have a game?” His tone was cool, emotionless. Hikaru paused. Had Akira been looking at him, he might have seen Hikaru’s face fall. But Akira still had his face averted, and Hikaru moved on with nothing more than a small sigh. Akira heard him and turned his head just slightly, trying to get one last look at Hikaru while continuing to use his hair as a shield between him and the other boy.

Stop it! The mental command was swift, and Akira immediately turned to face his opponent, who had just settled down across from him, and who noticeably paled at the sudden fierce look in Akira’s eyes. Don’t look at him. Don’t even give that small bit of encouragement. He’ll want to talk if you do. And I can’t talk to him. I--I just can’t.

The game began, and Akira kept a tight rein on his thoughts. For once, he wanted to be anywhere but there, to be doing anything but sitting in that room playing Go, with Hikaru just a ways behind him. More than once Akira was tempted to turn his head, to look and see if Hikaru was looking at him, and each time he kept himself from doing so. He still couldn’t keep from feeling angry at himself, however, and it showed in his face and his Go. His opponent looked almost frightened at the intensely furious light shining in Akira’s green eyes.

This is how I should be playing, Akira thought, almost feverishly. Just like this. No thoughts of love or Shindou or--or feelings. What use are feelings? It’s just like in Go. If you lose emotionally, then you’ll never be able to pull out a win. So I won’t let myself lose. Just like Go. I’ll smother my feelings as best I can, I’ll go back to the person I was before, the one who never cared for Shindou or anyone else. I’ll be the person who never trembled at a touch, never sighed in the morning dew, never spent long nights dreaming and wishing and barely being aware of it. I’ll be nothing more than my Go. Nothing beyond that.

This I do for you, Shindou. Because I cannot allow myself to fall so far as to love you.

Akira laid a stone on the board and stared at it. Like this stone. I will be completely alone, black surrounded by a sea of white emptiness. No one will touch me. Least of all a person like you.

Akira was just about to make a few moves that would effectively cripple his opponent’s game when lunch break was called. Akira remained seated, forcing himself not to look back at the footsteps approaching.

Move past me, Shindou. Move past. Don’t stop, please. Akira was about to risk a look when Hikaru sat down across from him. Akira hurriedly got to his feet and made a beeline for the door.

“Hey, Touya, wait!” Hikaru moved after him, and Akira whirled to face him.

“I’m not talking to you, Shindou,” he said forcefully. “So I would appreciate it if you would afford me the same courtesy.”

Hikaru seemed rather taken aback by the strength in that statement, but he recovered with his typical resiliency.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He reached for Akira’s arm, and the other boy stepped just out of reach. “Touya, we have to talk about this! I--I mean, yesterday, you said--”

“I know what I said,” Akira hissed. “I didn’t mean it. I’m not in love with you. I--I don’t even like you!”

Hikaru’s face seemed to pale a bit.

“You’re lying!” he argued. “We’re friends, Touya, and we’ve been friends for a while, you know that! So why are you--”

“We are not friends!” Akira nearly yelled. “We’re nothing to each other, Shindou, nothing! I--I hate you, do you understand? Hate you. My feelings for you are as far from love as possible. I--I can’t stand the sight of you!”

“Why do you keep acting like this?” Hikaru said, beginning to get angry himself. “I mean, I miss one meeting at the Go Salon and you go nuts! First you’re acting all weird and kinda-angry, and then you say you’re fine but end up walking in the rain and getting sick and suddenly you’re mad at me again, and then I see you on the street and you’re running from me and you’re all mad at me again, and then you tell me that--that you love me and now you’re saying that you hate my guts! What the heck is going on with you?”

“Don’t you get it?” Akira said coldly. “This is all your fault. Before I met you, I was--was happy. I understood everything that came along. And even if I--if I was, somehow, waiting for you, it didn’t matter, because everything was simple and I had at least a semblance of happiness. Then you show up, you--you burrow inside me, making me feel things that I never wanted to feel. Now I’m stuck with all these ridiculous thoughts that just won’t stop, with all these pointless feelings that I never needed. And it’s all your fault, Shindou, because you couldn’t leave well enough alone. You had to chase me, follow along behind me, forcing me to stop facing ahead as I walk, making me turn my head to look for you, wait for you. I don’t want that. I don’t want any of that. Now it seems like whatever I try, whatever I am, it all comes back to you. Every game I play, I wonder what moves you would play against me. Every sentence I say, I wonder what your reaction would be. I keep feeling, and thinking, and acting like I never have before, and I just can’t handle it. Anything, anyone but you. So I have to hate you, do you understand? Because it’s the only way I can cope with all this.”

“Well it’s a stupid way!” Hikaru shot back. “You can’t keep running from me, Touya! All that stuff you said yesterday...you might wanna forget it, but I’m not going to. You gotta face this kinda stuff, not ignore it!”

“What would you know?” Akira said acidly. “You’re an idiot. Always running around, doing and saying things without any thought at all. You’ve got no sense of logic, of--of perfect common sense. You’re all emotion and reaction. You wouldn’t understand this.”

“You’re the one who’s being unreasonable!” Hikaru stated. “Maybe I’d understand if you’d stop switching moods ever day and half! You can’t just make me go away by refusing to talk to me!”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t try,” Akira said in a low voice, turning once more to go. Hikaru grabbed for him and this time caught his wrist in a firm grip.

“Touya, I’m not letting you avoid me!”

Akira barely remembered what happened next. There was just a moment when he was filled with anger at Hikaru, at himself, and without even realizing it, he lashed out. There was a resounding ‘slap’ as Akira’s hand hit Hikaru’s face and Hikaru stumbled back, letting go of Akira’s wrist and looking completely shocked.

Silence settled in the space between them. Hikaru was touching the growing red mark on his cheek with a sense of almost disbelief, while Akira just stood rigid in front of him, still trying to process his actions.

“A-all right.” Hikaru’s voice was uncharacteristically subdued, almost sad. “I’ll leave you alone now, okay?”

Without another word Hikaru walked past Akira, out into the hallway and out of Akira’s line of sight.

What did I just do? Akira’s legs gave out from under him and he knelt just in front of the doorway, his arms wrapped around himself. He glanced back the way Hikaru had gone.

At least I’ve taken care of one thing. If he didn’t hate me before... then he certainly does now.