[fic]Wish We Never Met 4/?

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Wish We Never Met 4/?
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: T
Pairings/Warnings: AkiHika
Previous Parts: 1 2 3

It wasn’t until days later that Akira finally felt well enough to get out of bed. He didn’t have any games that day, so decided instead to make his way to the Go Salon to practice.

If I hadn’t been too busy wondering about Shindou to think clearly than I wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place, he thought darkly as he walked along the street towards the Go Salon. There was fresh snow on the ground again, and the air was bitingly cold.

Why do I still think of him? Why can’t I stop? Akira sighed. Well, I don’t have to see him today. My next pro game isn’t until tomorrow. I should take advantage of this day. This is one day that I don’t have to see him, don’t have to talk to him, don’t have to explain myself to him. I should use today. Once I get to the Go Salon, I will practice my Go, and I won’t think about him at all. That way, when the time comes tomorrow, I won’t have to keep myself from thinking about him. Everything will be okay then. I--I won’t have to deal with him at all.

But why does he cause me such trouble? The question whirled around in his mind, begging for an answer that Akira was afraid to give. I’ve never had this trouble before. I have had hundreds of different opponents, some stronger than me, some weaker, but I’ve never--never felt this way before, not about anyone. I didn’t think I had it in me to feel this way. Yet....yet somehow....somehow he snaked inside while I wasn’t looking. Somehow, he made me look at him. And it seems now like every time I glance back and see his face, I’m not sure whether I should stay and wait for him, or run away faster than I’ve ever run before. I don’t think it’s just competitive feelings. But what else is there? It’s almost....

No. It’s not that. That’s not the reason why. Any reason but that.

Shaking his head, Akira started walking towards the Go Salon with new purpose in his step. He wouldn’t let this get to him again. He wouldn’t think about Hikaru now, on a day that was supposed to be completely devoid of anything Shindou. He would concentrate on Go, and only Go.

“Hey, Touya! Touya!”

Akira froze. He knew that voice.

No...I can’t see him now. I don’t want to see him now. He started walking faster, and he could hear the voice behind him grow closer.

“Touya, wait up! Hey!”

No...not today. Shindou, I can’t deal with you today. Not today. Not any day. Can’t you just disappear, so that I don’t have to think about your voice, your face? I wish we’d never met. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this. I wouldn’t be confused like this. I--I would be able to walk my path steadily, with purpose, never looking back in the hope...in the hope that I would see you there, waiting for me and smiling.... Akira was almost running now, panting heavily. His legs, wholly unused to such activity, ached horribly. He heard Hikaru’s voice drop off and for a moment had hope that Hikaru had given up chasing him and had wandered off in the other direction.

“Geez, what’s your problem? Why’re you running?” Hikaru seemed to appear out of nowhere as he grabbed Akira by the shoulder. Akira half pulled away, and then his legs gave up from under him and he sank into the snow, a little more defeated than before.

“Shindou. Why were following me?” Akira tried to make his tone icy and calm, but failed miserably. He was still breathing hard, and his pant legs were getting wet from the snow.

“I asked you a question first! Why were you running from me? I just wanted to say hi!” Hikaru crossed his arms irritably and crouched in the snow next to Akira, looking suddenly a little concerned. “Hey, you are you all right? Shouldn’t you still be in bed or something?”

“I’m fine,” Akira half-snapped. “And I wouldn’t have been running from you if you weren’t following me. And now I’m tired and I’m wet and it’s all your fault!” Akira realized that he was acting immature and he didn’t care. He suddenly wanted Hikaru to go far, far away, and he didn’t care what it took to make sure that happened.

“My fault?” Hikaru squawked indignantly. “I was on my way to your stupid Go Salon since I figured if you were feeling better you’d be there. You’re the one who started running away from me like I had some kinda disease.”

“Usually when someone starts running away from you, it means that they don’t want to talk right now,” Akira muttered. “I’m not in the mood to deal with you today, Shindou. Now leave me alone.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hikaru looked rather hurt, and Akira felt a pang of guilt. “L-look, Touya, if you’re mad at me then could you--”

“I’m not mad at you,” Akira interrupted. He sighed and put a hand to his head. “Maybe I am. I don’t know, I just...” He trailed off. After a long moment of silence, he raised his head again and gave Hikaru a rather emotionless smile. “My apologies, Shindou, I must not be as cured as I thought. Do you still want to play at the Go Salon? I was on my way there anyway.”

“Ah...sure, if--if you’re sure you’re feeling okay.” Hikaru helped Akira to his feet. “You know, you’ve been actin’ really weird lately, Touya. Is this still because I was late that one time?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Akira said flatly. “Come on, I’m getting cold just standing here.” Akira resumed walking without even looking back to see if Hikaru was following. After a moment, Hikaru reappeared walking beside him, uncharacteristically subdued.

Why do I keep doing this? Getting mad for no reason at all. I’m not even sure if he’s the one I’m mad at. Akira glanced at Hikaru out of the corner of his eye. I should have just sent him away. It’s just....I don’t know. I’m never sure how to act when he’s around. It’s as if he changes me somehow, just by being himself. If I told him how I’m feeling now, how confused I am, he might be able to help me figure things out, except that--that I’m afraid to tell him. I’m afraid of what he might say.

I’m afraid that he might tell me the right answer to my question. And then I’m afraid that I would lose him completely.

“Oh, Akira-kun!” Ichikawa greeted him happily as the two boys walked into the Go Salon. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, a bit better,” Akira said, fixing a calm smile on his face. “Thank you for asking. Shindou and I will be in the back, okay?”

“All right. Oh, you’re wet!” Ichikawa leaned over the counter to look at the water dripping on the floor.

“He fell into the snow,” Hikaru reported. He gave Akira a strange look. “I think he shoulda stayed home again today.”

“I told you, I’m fine,” Akira said. “And besides, we’re already here. Let’s play a game.” Without waiting for a reply, Akira headed towards the back of the Go Salon.

“Er, right.” Hikaru hurried after him, still looking concerned. As he sat down across from Akira, he noticed that the other boy’s hands were shaking. “Um, Touya, your hands--”

“It’s just the cold,” Akira said dismissively. “I’ll warm up in a moment.” He paused. “I’m....I’m sorry I was short with you before. I haven’t been myself lately.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Hikaru said. “But you don’t have to apologize. I mean, you were sick and all and I....I kinda feel like it’s my fault, since I didn’t wait around to see if there was something wrong with your umbrella.” Hikaru rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Plus I was late that other time and all....I haven’t been a very good friend or anything lately, have I?”

“Friend?” Akira said slowly. “Is that what we are?”

“Huh?” Hikaru looked up at him. “What’d you say, Touya?”

“Are we friends, Shindou?” Akira repeated. “Are we really?”

“What kinda thing is that to say?” Hikaru demanded. “Of course we’re friends! I--I mean, we play Go together, don’t we? And I came to see you when you were sick, and we went to lunch together that other day--”

“Is that it?” Akira said. His eyes were hooded, and he seemed to be talking more to himself than Hikaru. “Is that all that there is between us? A few games? A rivalry that’s been festering and growing since we were twelve? Is that really enough to make us friends?” Akira closed his eyes. “I don’t think it is. We’re not friends, not really. Not the way you think we are. If you hadn’t said the word, I wouldn’t know that we were friends. Someone just watching us wouldn’t know. You don’t treat me like one of your friends. Friends are people you do things with, right? Not people you forget about. Not people you make wait for two hours and don’t even remember to call.”

“Is that what this is about?” Hikaru said, jumping to his feet. “I thought you said you weren’t mad about that anymore! Touya, I told you, I’m really really sorry! I didn’t mean to make you wait and to not call and everything! Why’re you so upset about this?”

“Don’t I have a right to be?” Akira asked. His voice was distant and he only barely seemed to be paying attention to Hikaru. “You forgot about me. Would you have forgotten about me if I was anyone else but Touya Akira? Like your other friends, the ones whose names I can never remember. You would have remembered about them, I’m sure of it. But not me. Never me. I’m not your friend. I’ve--I’ve never been your friend.”

“That’s not true!” Hikaru’s tone was desperate. “Touya, you shouldn’t say stuff like that. We are friends. I--I told you, I’m sorry about before! It was stupid of me, okay? I was dumb and forgot to call. I do stuff like that all the time, you know that! Waya’s always talking about what an idiot I am, since I’m not good with common sense type stuff the way you are. But me forgetting didn’t have anything to do with you. I just--”

“Just forgot about me completely,” Akira said. “No, Shindou, we’re not friends. I--” He paused and laughed bitterly. “I don’t have any friends. No one cares to befriend Touya Akira. Why should they? Why should you?”

“Touya, I--” Hikaru started to object again, and Akira cut him off, standing abruptly.

“You don’t have to try and make me feel better. I understand perfectly what we are to each other, even if you don’t realize it. I need some air, all right? I’ll be back in a few minutes and we can play.” Akira began to walk off. Hikaru moved as if to stop him, then paused and sank back down in his chair, his face troubled. Akira walked out into the hall and leaned against the wall, wrapping his arms around himself.

Idiot! he mentally berated himself. Why did you say all that? You idiot! Akira closed his eyes and realized that he was trembling. Why did I do that? He’ll never leave me alone now. He’ll never understand. I don’t understand. I don’t know what made me say that. It was just....suddenly he started talking, and then I began to reply and I just--just couldn’t stop myself.

Akira put a hand over his face and pulled it back swiftly when he felt wetness on it.

Crying? Why am I crying? He wiped angrily at the tears. I don’t understand this at all! I just--just want everything to go back to the way it was before I had Shindou to deal with. Back when I understood everything, before things became so complicated. It was simple before. I had nothing but Go. I just played, and practiced, and won and lost games and learned everything I needed to know and I understood it all. No emotions. No worries. No--no stupid Shindou leaning over my shoulder, smiling in my direction, sharing his umbrella and eating lunch with me, playing games with me, making me think about him and feel for him and--and--

And it’s not just friendship I’m feeling. I don’t want to be his friend. I don’t want to be his rival. I--I want something more. I just don’t know what. What do I want? What am I feeling? Why do I have so many questions that I can’t answer, so many feelings that I haven’t felt before?

Akira stepped away from the wall and turned back towards the Go Salon, peering in the door. Hikaru was still sitting in the back where Akira had left him. The other boy was running his hands distractedly through the cask of stones, deep in thought.

What do you think of me, Shindou? Do you really think that we’re friends? I don’t know. You’re a person who would say something like that without thinking it through first. I know you. You don’t think about things like this. Hikaru looked up and glanced towards the door, and Akira moved back into the hallway, out of sight. You wouldn’t. You just say we’re friends because it’s the first word that pops into your mind, but you don’t think about the meaning behind the word. You never think about things like that. I’ll never understand what I see in a person like you. At first, I thought it was just your skill in Go, but even after your skills proved inferior to mine, I still cared about you. No matter how much I lied to myself and said I didn’t care about you, I knew it wasn’t true. So what is it that I see in you? You’re not like me at all. You don’t think about things. You don’t have any common sense and you’re happy even when there’s no reason to be, and you don’t give up even when logic says you should. You shouldn’t be anyone that I could care about.

But you are. And I do.

Akira took a shaky breath and tried to compose himself. Wiping the last traces of tears from his cheeks and running a hand through his hair, he straightened and walked back into the Go Salon, an impassive look on his face. Hikaru jumped to his feet as Akira approached.

“Touya! Are you all right? Look, I--”

“Skip it,” Akira said coldly. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Like hell it doesn’t!” Hikaru argued. “Touya, I don’t know what’s making you act weird like this, but you have to listen to me. We are friends. And I know it was dumb of me to forget about you and that it wasn’t a good thing to do and all, but that doesn’t change anything. You’re still my friend.”

“Stop saying that,” Akira hissed. “Stop saying those ridiculous things that you don’t even think about beforehand. Let’s just play.”

“I’m not gonna play until you start talking to me,” Hikaru said, shaking his head stubbornly. “What’s gotten into you lately, Touya? I thought we were okay before, and now all of the sudden it’s like you’re a whole different person.”

“How many times do I have to say that I don’t want to talk until you’ll listen to me?” Akira replied darkly. “Go is all there is between us, Shindou. So either we can play a game, or I’m going back home.”

“I’m not letting you go anywhere until we talk,” Hikaru said resolutely. “I know you were annoyed when I didn’t show up before and all, but you’re totally overreacting and--”

“I am not overreacting!” Akira snapped. “I’ve had enough of this, Shindou. I--I can’t stand spending time with you like this anymore. Every time you look at me I--I start thinking, and feeling, and--and I just can’t stand it anymore! I don’t want to have to think about you. I don’t want to have to hear your voice in my ears even after you’ve left, I don’t want to have to see your face in my dreams, I don’t want any of it! I wish I’d never seen your face.” There was a long moment of silence following this outburst. Hikaru swallowed hard and spoke, his tone soft.

“Touya...”

“I wish I’d never met you,” Akira breathed. “I wish you’d never asked to play me.” He suddenly grabbed his coat and darted past Hikaru, heading for the door.

“Hey, Touya! Wait!” Hikaru ran after him. Ichikawa and the other patrons turned to stare at them as the two boys ran out of the Salon. Akira made a beeline straight for the stairs and ran blindly down them, aware only of the thought swirling madly inside his head and Hikaru’s footsteps echoing behind him.

Akira half-stumbled out the door and paused, somewhat unprepared for the blast of cold air that met him as he exited the building. That brief pause was all Hikaru needed to catch up to him.

“Geez, Touya, what is wrong with you? Why do you keep running away from me?”

“Why?” Akira repeated bitterly, his back to Hikaru. He could feel tears welling up again, but he didn’t have the strength to wipe them away this time. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yeah! Touya, come on, talk to me.” Hikaru’s voice sounded very lost and confused. “Why are you acting so weird?”

“Because I think I love you,” Akira said quietly. He turned to face the shocked Hikaru and made his eyes as cold as possible. “And I don’t want to.”

Before Hikaru could say anything or even process what the other boy had said, Akira turned again and ran off, disappearing among the crowd and the snow.