[fic]Wish We Never Met 3/?

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Wish We Never Met 3/?
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: T
Pairings/Warnings: AkiHika
Previous Parts: 1 2

When Akira awoke the next morning, the first thing he realized was that he had a raging headache. He sat up dizzily, putting a hand to his head, and then remembered what had happened the day before. Akira fell back onto his pillow with a sigh.

What was I thinking? All those foolish thoughts about Shindou pushed out my common sense. Why didn’t I ask to share his umbrella? What stopped me? Akira rolled onto his side and coughed. He shivered slightly and pulled the blanket up close around his shoulders. And now I’m sick, aren’t I? Maybe I already was before, and that’s why I couldn’t ask. Maybe it wasn’t....wasn’t what? What is it that I’m feeling? I don’t understand. My head aches and I don’t understand why I still hurt, even though it’s a day later and everything’s in the past. I still hurt. Why do I hurt so much?

Akira closed his eyes for a moment and wrapped his arms around himself,
smothering another cough. He was just about to fall back asleep when another thought struck him.

If I’m sick and stay in bed all day, I won’t be able to meet Shindou at the Go Salon. If I don’t meet him today, I might not see him until the next game day. And if I’m still sick I’ll miss that, too. Should I call him and tell him I can’t come? Maybe I should just leave a message at the Go Salon. Or...or I could try to go anyway. I won’t be able to play my best, but I could still see Shindou. I don’t know why, but--but I want to see him.

The thought seemed to warm Akira up a bit, and he decided to try getting out of bed. Gathering up his energy, he managed to get shakily to his feet. The world swirled around him, and he promptly sat back down.

This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t go anywhere today. I feel awful. My head hurts, and I’m shivering and coughing. It’s best to stay in bed. But...Shindou will be waiting for me. He’s expecting to meet me. Akira gathered his strength and managed to stand up again. He stumbled over to the wall and leaned on it, waiting for his legs to stop shaking. Is this really a good idea? If I can’t even get out of my room I won’t be able to make it past my parents without them realizing something’s wrong with me.

Despite all the warnings of his common sense and aching head, Akira walked over to his closet and prepared to get dressed. There was a soft knock on the door and his mother poked her head in.

“Akira-san, are you all right? Breakfast is ready, and you’re usually dressed by now.”

“I’m just getting my clothes now,” Akira told her, trying to turn his head so that his hair acted as a shield to hide the redness of his face. Akiko was just turning to leave when Akira began coughing.

“Akira-san?” Akiko took a step towards him and Akira mentally cursed as she put a hand on his forehead. “Oh my, I think you have a fever. Perhaps you should lie down.”

“N-no, really, I’m fine,” Akira tried to back away, but he was seized by another coughing fit.

“You don’t sound fine at all.” Akira reluctantly allowed his mother to lead him back to bed. “I think you should stay in bed today.”

“But I--” Akira sighed and gave in. “All right. Would it be okay for me to make a phone call though? I was supposed to meet someone at the Go Salon today and I need to let him know I won’t be able to show.”

“That’s fine. But then you should go back to bed. I’ll make you some soup.” Akiko smiled and left the room. Akira followed her, stopping by the phone. He picked up the receiver and paused.

I know the Go Salon’s number, he mused. So should I leave a message there? Or--or would it be okay if I found Shindou’s number and called him? I would... Akira shifted nervously. I would like to hear his voice.

Akira grimaced and shook his head, smothering another cough. Stupid. What sort of thought is that? Wanting to hear Shindou’s voice. Why would I ever want to hear him? He’s so loud and irritating. Wanting to hear him is most certainly not a good reason to bother calling him, especially not in the morning. He’s probably eating breakfast right now. There’s no point in bothering him by calling, except that...

Akira stopped that line of thought and stared blankly at the telephone receiver for a long moment. Then he sighed and left a message at the Go Salon.

The rest of the day passed slowly as Akira sat alone in his room, mostly sleeping. About midday he finally roused himself, sitting up and glancing at the clock.

It’s already past the time when I was supposed to meet Shindou. Akira wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and wandered over to the Goban in the corner of his room, sitting down to recreate a few games while he was still awake. His headache had subsided to dull throb, but he was still shivering and coughing. And today I’ll be the one who doesn’t show up. What ever could have possessed me, to make me prefer walking home in the rain over asking Shindou to share his umbrella? Akira scowled as he placed a stone. But it wasn’t just that I couldn’t ask. Shindou just ran off before I could say anything, running after that friend of his. He didn’t even wait for my answer. Am I not that important to him? I’m not his friend, just his rival. What--what does he feel for me?

No. That’s not the question I should ask. What do I feel for him?

Akira shivered and tried to steer himself away from that line of thought.

I won’t think about him. I won’t ask such stupid, unanswerable questions. Why--why should my feelings for Shindou be important? Why should I think of him? Akira started to place a stone, then paused and placed it in a different spot than he had been previously about to. He scowled down at the board. I’m playing that game again. That same game that never leaves my thoughts. Just like Shindou. I won’t let myself do that again. I’ll play a different game, any game. But not that one. Not the one that makes me think of him. Not that game. Not again.

“Akira-san?” Akira glanced up as his mother poked her head in. “Oh, you’re up! You have a visitor.”

“A visitor?” Akira repeated in surprise. That’s strange. Who would want to visit me? A thought struck him. Surely not... Akira swallowed hard. “Send him in.”

Akiko nodded and turned to talk to someone waiting just behind the door. Akira heard the murmuring of voices, and then Shindou Hikaru entered his room. It was all Akira could do to turn back to the Goban and pretend to be disinterested.

“Shindou. What are you doing here?” His voice shook slightly, and Akira was thankful that he could blame the shake on the fever.

“Well, I heard you were sick.” Hikaru looked slightly nervous. “You weren’t at the Go Salon and all, and I asked that lady where you lived.....I figured you wouldn’t mind if I came to see you.”

“You didn’t have to come,” Akira said, purposefully keeping his eyes trained on the Go board. “It’s just a cold.”

“Yeah, I figured, but...” Hikaru shifted. “I dunno. I just thought it would be a good idea to see how you were feeling and all. Especially since I couldn’t make it up to you for being late since you’re sick and all.”

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me all day?” Akira asked, still not looking up. Go away, Shindou, please. If--if you stay I won’t be able to stop thinking about you. So please...

“Hey, you don’t have to be mean about it!” Hikaru walked over and sat on the other side of the Go board. “Shouldn’t you be in bed anyway? I mean, if you’re sick....”

“I’m feeling better now,” Akira said flatly. He risked a glance at Hikaru, then coughed once before risking a careful question. “Were you.....were you worried about me?”

“Well, yeah!” Hikaru said, leaning across the board. “I figured there was no way you’d miss meeting me for a game unless you were really sick. Especially after you were so mad at me for being late.”

“I see.” Akira felt a blush steal across his face and was grateful for the fever that disguised it. He was worried. About me. That--that makes me happy, for some reason. I don’t even know why, I’m just....just glad. I’m happy that he cared enough to worry. He looked back up at Hikaru. “Do you want to play a game?”

“Huh?” Hikaru looked surprised. “Are you sure you’re up to it? I don’t wanna make pass out or anything.”

“I won’t pass out,” Akira said, managing a small smile. “I told you, I’m feeling a bit better. We could play here, since I couldn’t meet you. I won’t be at my best, but we could still play.”

“If you want to.” Hikaru shrugged. “I just don’t wanna make you even more sick than you are now. What happened anyway? You seemed fine yesterday.”

“I....” Akira trailed off, looking away. “My umbrella was broken, so I--I walked home in the rain.”

“What? Geez, Touya, for a smart guy that was a pretty dumb move.” Hikaru cocked his head. “Why didn’t you say something when I asked?”

“I just...” Akira shook his head. “That’s not important, Shindou. Shall we play?”

“Sure, but--” Akira cut him off angrily.

“Are we going to play or not?”

“I was just wondering!” Hikaru said defensively.

“If I had told you, what would you have done?” Akira looked up suddenly, staring into Hikaru’s eyes. He could hear the urgency and the edge of anger in his voice, and he wasn’t even sure why it was there. “Would you run on ahead anyway, just the way you did?”

“What kinda question is that?” Hikaru said, looking a little annoyed. “I thought you wanted to play a game.”

Akira suddenly felt anger boil up inside him, unexpected and unreasonable, but there nonetheless. He thrust one hand into the stone cask nearest to him, grabbed a stone, and slammed it on the board with such force that Hikaru jumped at the sound.

“Hey, calm down!”

“I am calm!” Akira snapped. He was looking towards the wall, and his hair hid his expression. You didn’t answer me. Why didn’t you answer? Is it because you know that the answer would make me angry? Would you really have left me to walk home alone even if I had asked, then?

“You don’t sound very--”

“Make a move or leave!” Akira had abandoned all pretense of politeness, and Hikaru was shocked at the force behind his words.

“Geez Touya, what’s wrong with you?” Hikaru leaned forward as if to touch Akira’s forehead. “Is your fever--”

“Don’t touch me,” Akira hissed, backing away and pulling the blanket tighter around his shivering frame. Go away, Shindou. I--I can’t handle this. You’re saying things and you’re coming close, and my head hurts and my body aches and I can’t--can’t think. Is it the fever or is it you?

“Why’re you so mad at me?” Akira’s bad mood seemed to have spread to Hikaru, whose face was a mix of irritation and confusion. “I was just seeing if you’re all right!” A thought occurred to him. “A-are you still mad at me because I missed our meeting at the Go Salon? I told you, I’m really sorry about that! I was gonna make it up to you today and all, and--”

“That’s not it,” Akira said. He sighed and put a hand up to his head. “Or maybe that is it. Or--” He winced and shook his head. “My head hurts.”

Hikaru’s face softened and he crouched down worriedly on the floor next to Akira. Akira froze.

H-he’s close. He’s too close. Akira closed his eyes tight and kept his face averted, trying to ignore the sudden too-loud beating of his heart and the close proximity of Hikaru. What is it? I--I feel so-- Akira swallowed hard. This isn’t normal. Why is my heart beating so fast? Why do I feel so strange? It s him, isn’t it. I--I feel...something...for him. And I don’t know what it is. My head’s pounding and my heart’s pounding, and its like the world’s not working right and I can’t find a logical explanation for it all.

“Maybe you should go back to bed.” Hikaru took Akira’s arm and tried to help him stand. Akira barely managed to pull away.

“I--I can get up myself.” Akira put one hand on the wall and pulled himself to his feet. “C-could you just leave, please? I’m not feeling well.”

“Sure.” Hikaru’s voice was uncharacteristically subdued, and he looked worried. “Are you....gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Akira said, waving dismissively. With an effort he managed to keep his voice distant and calm. “Thank you for coming to check on me, Shindou. We’ll meet at the Go Salon some other time, all right?”

“Right.” Hikaru nodded and took a step towards the door. “Um....get better soon, okay? I wanna get a chance to practice with you again.”

“Of course.” Akira looked away, no emotion in his voice, doing his best to act as if he were only barely concerned with Hikaru’s presence. “Now, please, leave. I’m very tired.”

“Y-yeah, okay. Bye, Touya. Feel better.” Hikaru stared at Akira for a long moment, shifting awkwardly, before he finally turned and left. Once he was gone, Akira sank down on his bed and sighed shakily.

I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. One moment I’m angry at him, the next....I just don’t understand. Is it all the fever, or is it something more? He put a hand to his head. It hurts when he’s near, and I don’t know why. It’s almost as if....

As if I lo---

No!

Akira cut the thought off midway, then shook his head and fell back against his pillow, pulling his blanket up over his head. No. No, that’s not it. I shouldn’t be thinking about that, about him. I won’t. I’ll ignore him, hate him if I must. Then at least things will make sense. I won’t let myself feel things for him. It’s too complicated, too confusing....I’ll ignore him. I’ll make sure he’s nothing to me. If--if that’s what it takes to stop all these thoughts, that’s what I’ll do.

Akira hid his head under his pillow and tried not to think about anything at all.