[fic]Wish We Never Met 2/?

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Wish We Never Met 2/?
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: T
Pairings/Warnings: AkiHika
Previous Parts: 1

The weather was only slightly warmer the next day and the snow had turned to rain, covering the streets in slush and ice. Akira carefully made his way down the street, an umbrella clenched tightly in one hand. He was trying very hard not to run.

When he reached his destination, he quickly removed his coat and set his umbrella down, then proceeded to wait for Hikaru without actually looking as though he was waiting for Hikaru.

Because I’m not, Akira told himself firmly as he watched the other pros file in. I couldn’t care less about Shindou. It’s just....I only want to ask him why he never showed up yesterday. I have a right to ask that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know something like that.

He shifted and leaned against the wall, trying to find a better position.

Is he not going to show up here either? Akira chewed nervously on his bottom lip. What if he’s sick? Maybe I should’ve called his house, just in case. But I don’t know if it would be okay for me to do that. If he doesn’t show I guess I could ask those friends of his, but....they don’t really seem to like me very much. They probably wouldn’t tell me anything. Besides, they might want to know why I’m asking about Shindou, and what would I say then?

He was seriously beginning to think up ways to approach Hikaru’s friends when Hikaru himself arrived, talking animatedly with said friends. Akira took half a step towards him, then shrank back.

What do I say? Perhaps I should wait and see if he mentions it? What if he doesn’t? Akira felt that strange resentful feeling rise up again, accompanied by a sharp pain in his heart. What if he doesn’t even realize that he forgot about me?

“Touya!” Akira’s head snapped up as Hikaru separated from his friends and hurried over. “I am so so so sorry about--”

“Shindou, what are you talking to him for?” Waya called after him. “Come on, it’s almost time for our games.”

“A~ah, no time to explain,” Hikaru moaned. “Oh, but you’ve got a game too, right, Touya? Good, then I can talk to you when we break for lunch. I’m really really sorry about yesterday, all right? I’ll explain at lunch break. Is that okay with you?”

“Um--” Akira blinked stupidly for a moment, then remembered who he was and quickly regained his usual cool demeanor. “Yes, that would be fine. You had better have a good explanation; I waited for two hours yesterday.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Hikaru said sheepishly. “I’ll explain later, okay? Really I will. And I’ll--”

“Geez, Shindou. come on!” Waya’s voice echoed through the building, and Isumi told him to keep his voice down.

“In a second!” Hikaru yelled back over his shoulder. “I’m really sorry, all right, Touya? And I’ll explain and make it up to you and everything.” Akira continued to glare at him, and Hikaru shrunk slightly under that intense gaze. “Y-you don’t need to look at me like that, you know.”

“Two hours, Shindou,” Akira said. “I waited for you for two hours. How did you expect me to look at you?”

“You like being scary, don’t you?” Hikaru grumbled, and it took all of Akira’s resolve to keep a straight face. “You need to stop being all uptight and everything.”

“I’m not uptight, I’m mature,” Akira said, a slight smile stealing over his features. You’re acting just like I thought you would, Shindou. Are you really that predictable? Or have I just been watching you too long?

“Yeah, well--”

“Come on, already, Shindou! Why do you keep talking to that guy?”

“I’m coming!” Hikaru turned to go. “I’ll talk to you later, Touya!” With that he hurried back to where Waya and Isumi were still waiting.

Akira watched the three walk towards the room where the dan games were being held and felt his heart drop even lower as he made to follow.

Of course he can’t be seen talking to me for too long, he thought. After all, no one talks to Touya Akira. And Shindou’s friends don’t like me at all, so they obviously wouldn’t like him talking to me. But--but I wish he would’ve stayed just a little longer. Akira shook his head, ignoring the strange looks a few of the nearby pros gave him. No I don’t. That’s a stupid thing to think. Why would I care about talking to Shindou? He’s promised to explain his absence later, so there was no reason to keep speaking to him. I didn’t have anything more to say anyway.

Akira sat down to begin his match and resolved not to think of Hikaru. Still, only a few moves into the game, he found his eyes wandering back towards where Hikaru was also playing.

Stop that! Akira ordered himself firmly. I’m not acting normal. I’ve never been distracted during a game before, yet now I keep finding my thoughts turning to Shindou. What is it, that’s making me act this way? I’ve never had any trouble concentrating during my matches before. I need to stop thinking about Shindou and pay attention to my Go, that’s what’s important. Shindou is nothing.

He took a deep breath and tried very hard to pay attention to what he was doing.

Idiot. You’re going to lose, all because you keep thinking of him. Stop it this instant. What would Father and Ogata-san and everyone else think, if I played such a sloppy game because I wasn’t putting all my thought into it? Go is more important than all these stupid useless feelings that keep running through me. I have to ignore them and concentrate on what’s most important to me, and that’s Go.

Akira swallowed hard and swiftly brushed away any thoughts concerning Shindou. Gazing down at the Goban, he was angered to see how poor some of his hands seemed, how badly he had been playing before. Steeling his resolve, Akira quickly began to turn the tide of the game back in his favor.

He had just regained the advantage when meal break was called. Akira’s opponent stood and walked off, but Akira remained seated where he was.

It’s a poor game, he thought angrily. I can play better than this. I always play better than this. How could I let my concentration slip like that? I need to stop thinking so much about--

“Hey Touya!” Someone grabbed his shoulder and Akira jumped. Hikaru took a step back. “Hey, it’s just me! Weren’t we going to eat together?”

“A-ah, well, I don’t usually--” Akira began as Hikaru dragged him to his feet.

“Look, I told you I’d explain at lunch, didn’t I?” Hikaru said. “Come on, we can go get some ramen or something and I’ll explain.”

“I--I suppose,” Akira said, still trying to regain his composure. “But I didn’t bring that much money with me; I wasn’t expecting to eat anything.”

“We can share something, then,” Hikaru decided, dragging him out of the room. “I don’t have too much either, but I can buy something and we’ll split it. It can be like part of my apology or something, for making you wait.”

“All right,” Akira agreed, still feeling a little off center. Hikaru smiled and the two went to get their coats.

“Is it still raining out?” Hikaru muttered, peering out a window. “Hmm, looks like it.”

“I’ll get my umbrella--” Akira started to say, but Hikaru cut him off.

“Nah, you don’t have to drag that along. We can both use mine.” Hikaru grabbed his own umbrella and began to lead Akira towards the elevator. “The ramen shop isn’t too far from here anyway.”

Akira allowed himself to be dragged outside by the arm. Hikaru opened his umbrella and they began to walk side by side towards the ramen shop. Akira felt his cheeks growing hot.

There they are again. Those strange feelings. Akira glanced over at Hikaru. Is it him? Is he why I keep feeling this way? Or maybe I really am just sick. The cold may have given me the flu or something. But still....

....I....I think I rather like being close like this.

Akira moved closer to Hikaru momentarily, then forced himself away, as far as he could go while still remaining under the umbrella, which wasn’t very far away at all. He was acutely aware of just how near to Hikaru he was, and found to his surprise that his heart was pounding faster than usual.

“Hey, you okay Touya?” Hikaru’s voice cut through Akira’s thoughts like a lightning bolt across a clear sky. “Your face looks a little red.”

“Just the cold,” Akira said succinctly. “That’s all.” That’s not why and I know it. So why am I lying to him? And why am I blushing like this? It’s just Shindou. It’s--it’s just Shindou, walking right next to me, worrying about me...stop that! No more thinking of Shindou. He’s just a--a rival. An opponent. Possibly...a friend? Or more?

“Well, good thing we’re at the ramen shop then!” Hikaru said happily. “It’ll be warmer inside, come on!” With that, Hikaru hurried inside and Akira followed. They sat down at a small table by the window and Hikaru ordered one bowl of ramen for them to share.

“It won’t be very much at all if we share it,” Akira said, looking at the small bowl that sat on the table between them. “You really don’t have to share it with me, Shindou. I’m not very hungry.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Hikaru said easily, reaching over to take a bite. “I don’t mind. It’s part of my apology, okay? Like you said before, you waited two hours and I never showed up and all. So this can be part of me making it up to you. So eat some already. I’m not gonna eat any more of it if you don’t have some.”

Akira smiled slightly and took a few noodles.

“All right, you see, I’m eating now. Are you satisfied, Shindou?”

“Yup.” Hikaru nodded proudly and helped himself to some more ramen.

“So....why didn’t you show up?” Akira asked. “You promised to explain.”

“Right, right, just let me swallow...” Hikaru said around a mouth full of food. “It wasn’t any big reason really. My mom wanted me to do some cleaning and stuff around the house, but I was out playing games with Waya and Isumi so I got home later than I’d planned. Then when I just stopped home real quick to tell Mom that I was going to go meet you at the Go Salon, and she told me I couldn’t until I helped her clean. By the time I was done I was only a little late and all so I was gonna hurry and meet you, but then I, uh, well, I kinda...” Hikaru paused and smiled sheepishly. “I sorta fell asleep. I didn’t mean to, really, I was just tired from the stupid housework and all, and by the time I woke up I figured it was too late and you’d be gone.”

“Why didn’t you call?” Akira said slowly, taking care to keep his expression impassive. Is that all? You fell asleep and forgot about me? But earlier you were with those friends of yours, and they helped to make you late. I suppose I should understand that. After all, they’re your friends and I’m....not....

“Call?” Hikaru’s face was the picture of absolute cluelessness. Akira sighed and put a hand to his head.

“The Go Salon has a phone number, Shindou. As do I. And, this may come as a surprise to you, there is a book which you can use to look up these and other important numbers. It’s called a phone book and may be useful when one is going to be late and doesn’t want the one left waiting to be worried or to wait for long periods of time. Such as two hours, for example.”

“You don’t have to be sarcastic about it,” Hikaru muttered. “And I forgot about that, okay? If I would’ve thought about it, I would’ve called.”

“You don’t really need to think about that sort of thing in order to remember it. It should be common sense.” Akira was aware that there was an angry edge to his voice, but he couldn’t suppress it. Do you even care about me at all, Shindou? You didn’t even think about contacting me to say you’d be late. You fell asleep and forgot all about me. Am I being unreasonable, feeling so upset? Do I have a right to be mad at you? I’m not even sure myself. I just feel....I’m not even sure how I feel. It’s as if...as if I’m actually hurt by this. Can that be it?

“Are you mad at me?” Hikaru actually looked somewhat upset at the thought. “I-I really am sorry, Touya. I promise I’ll make it up to you. Really. It was a mistake, okay? But I’m really apologizing now. And I’ll make it up to you, I promise. How about if we meet at the Go Salon tomorrow or something? That’ll make up for the day I missed.”

“That’s fine,” Akira said. Hikaru smiled widely, having completely missed the slight edge that was still present in Akira’s voice. It’s not fine. It’s not fine at all. I--I still feel upset about this. It’s stupid, because I shouldn’t be upset. You’ve apologized. You’ve promised to make it up to me. So I should forgive you and be happy. But I’m not. It--it still hurts. Why does it hurt like this? I’ve never felt this way before. My chest feels tight. I keep thinking that maybe I’m sick, but I felt fine before this. It’s you, Shindou, it’s something you said. In the end, it seems that it’s always about you. How did you come to make me feel this way? How did I let you get so close?

“Touya? Somethin’ wrong?” Hikaru asked around another mouthful of ramen. “You aren’t eating anything. You aren’t still mad, are you?”

“N-no, I’m all right.” Akira took a small bite of ramen, then turned his head and stared out the window, watching the raindrops slide down the glass. I’m lying. Can’t you tell that I’m lying? I feel like you should. Can’t you see how strange I’m acting today? I’m not at all like myself. Always thinking of you, even when I need to be concentrating on my game. Feeling upset that you were able to spend time with your friends, but forgot about me. And you’re so clueless, you don’t even realize how I feel about that. But that’s not a fair thing to think, I suppose. I’m not sure that I realize how I feel about things. Everything’s mixed up inside me right now. Common sense tells me I shouldn’t be worrying over a silly thing like Shindou being late. But I am. I’m worrying, and I’m upset, and it’s stupid, and I don’t even know why I’m so upset so I can’t stop myself.

“We’d better get going if we wanna make it back before the games start up again,” Hikaru said, swallowing down the last of the ramen and standing, reaching for his umbrella. Akira continued staring out the window, not even appearing to have heard him. “Touya?”

“Hm?” Akira glanced up at him. “Ah, right. I’m coming.”

They walked back in silence, Akira still standing as far from Hikaru as he could without getting wet. Hikaru didn’t appear to find his silence strange, and so didn’t question him about it.

They returned just in time to resume their games. As he made his first move, Akira once more found his concentration slipping.

Stop it right now! How can you think of Shindou at a time like this? Shindou isn’t important right now. Go is. Go is always what’s most important. There’s no time to sit and think this way now, to sit and wonder about Shindou and all these unfamiliar feelings he’s stirred up. I must concentrate only on my Go. I don’t care about anything else.

Akira placed the stone on the Goban with more force than he had intended, and his opponent flinched at the harsh sound of the stone hitting the board. Akira didn’t even seem to notice what he had done.

Only Go. I will only think about Go. Shindou will not cross my thoughts. These foolish emotions will not bother me. I will think about Go, and only Go.

Abruptly clearing his mind of anything not involving Go, Akira resumed his play, and won with ease. Staring at the board, however, he couldn’t help but feel disgust rise at how poor his game had been in compared to his usual performance.

You see what happens when you think of Shindou? Akira stood and exited the room, trying to hide the anger he felt towards himself. I could have lost that game. Then what would people think? Touya Akira playing such a poor game. I can’t afford such luxuries as allowing Shindou to invade my mind. I won’t think of him. I won’t let myself feel anything in regards to him. He’s my rival and my opponent, and...and nothing... Akira closed his eyes, unwilling or unable to complete the thought.

He sighed and went to get his coat and umbrella. He was tired for some reason, and found himself wanting very much to go back home and rest a bit. He stopped just in front of the door and opened his umbrella, then sighed heavily. Someone had cut his umbrella, making it useless.

Probably a wandering insei, Akira thought. Or a young pro, still immature. Maybe a few people, thinking that it would be a fun prank, to force me to walk in the rain. I suppose I should be angry, or sad, that someone would hate me so much as to enjoy giving me trouble. But I--I don’t really feel anything. I don’t care if whoever it was is laughing at me now. It’s just...sometimes... He sighed heavily, shaking his head.

Someone dashed by him and Akira had just recognized the person as Waya when Hikaru came running on the other boy’s heels. He paused upon catching sight of Akira.

“Hey Touya!” Hikaru said happily, preparing to open his own umbrella. He glanced down at Akira’s, which was closed. “Something wrong with your umbrella?”

“Ah....” Akira stopped, unsure what to say. If I tell him, he’ll let me borrow his, because Shindou’s that kind of person. He would let me use it, wouldn’t he? We could share it, like when we went to get ramen. Would Shindou allow that? Would he even think of it? If he couldn’t think enough to remember to call, would it occur to him to share his umbrella with me? If I tell him that mine’s broken, will he extend an offer? I--I don’t know if I should ask. He would let me share his umbrella, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t mid at all.

But what if he did?

“Um....it--” Akira choked out.

“Shindou, hurry up!” Waya’s voice floated in from outside, cutting him off.

“Right, coming! See you tomorrow, Touya!” And Hikaru ran out the door without looking back. Akira felt his heart clench.

I couldn’t ask. And he just left, without waiting for an answer. Why does this hurt? Why do I care so much about these stupid things Shindou does? How--how is it, that these things can cut so deep?

Akira carefully fixed an emotionless expression on his face, and walked home in the rain.