[fic] Dynamics

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Dynamics
Fandom: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle
Rating: M, to be on the safe side. Mentions of sex, but no actual sex. Alas.
Pairings/Warnings:KuroFai, because I can
Summary: Kurogane likes to think he's in charge of his relationship with Fai. Kurogane is Very Very Wrong.
Notes: Sort of plotless and silly and I abuse parentheses again. Still, fun. Middle section's a little shaky, I think.

Kurogane had made one rule clear when he brought Fai to Japan: he was in charge. There would be no feeding him sweet things, no inane smiles, and absolutely no nicknames. The specifics had lasted all of three days, but in general Kurogane considered himself to be the one in charge. At the very least, he was the one in control of the physical side of things, dammit, and Fai had better agree with that because Kurogane refused to consider otherwise.

Things between them were really working well, he supposed, all things considered. Kurogane had his home world and his princess and his excellent job that allowed him to wave a pointy sword at threatening people on a daily basis, and Fai didn’t get stabbed by anyone and got to enjoy a healthy physical relationship with the person he annoyed on a regular basis. Once they’d fixed the small communication problem, things had really gone surprisingly well for the first few weeks (the communication problem was something Kurogane hadn’t really thought about until Mokona wished them a happy goodbye and he suddenly found Fai babbling in an unknown tongue. Fai had been the one who had solved that small issue by enlisting a bit of help from the Dimension Witch, though Kurogane never did find out what exactly the price had been for the little translation device that hung around Fai’s ankle. All he knew was that the mage had locked himself in the palace kitchen for two days afterward, and that the few cooks who had attempted to pry their way inside in the hopes of getting their workplace back had been found passed out outside of the door. Kurogane had overheard two of the cooks discussing something about ‘pure drunkenness’ in hushed tones before promptly deciding that he didn’t want to know).

Being the one who had brought the mage to the court, it was Kurogane’s duty to keep Fai in line, which was not a simple task. For someone who had ostensibly been involved in a royal court, the man didn’t seem to understand that no, we do not engage in merry conversation with the nasty assassin men, and no, it’s really not a good idea to sneak up on ninjas from behind just to try and surprise them, and it is considered poor etiquette to call visiting ambassadors by silly nicknames (after a series of fairly embarrassing incidents Kurogane had decided that Fai was definitely not allowed to follow him around when he was busy serving Princess Tomoyo. In fact, he’d found that things really did work best when he kept Fai as far away from normal, sane people as possible). Half of Princess Tomoyo’s court still went running at the very sight of Fai happily making his way down a corridor, and the mage was banned from at least two wings of the palace. Kurogane had questioned Fai about his behavior once or twice, and had only received innocent blank stares in reply. After that, he’d stopped asking. Instead, he’d warned Fai to stay close to his own quarters and to keep quiet and to not be himself at all costs. Fai had apparently found that terribly amusing at first, but lately he’d been pouting.

In fact, though Kurogane didn’t like to admit it, there had been some tension between them lately. There was a large delegation of visiting nobles from the surrounding countries meeting at Princess Tomoyo’s palace and as such Kurogane had found himself busier than usual protecting her from a variety of rival ninjas, assassins, and kidnappers. He’d been awake at all hours, prowling the roof above her room (which did not make him a stalker or a pervert, no matter what the stupid mage said, it made him protective and it was his job and he couldn’t very well protect her from across the courtyard and besides, she knew he was there and if she didn’t like it she would have said something so Kurogane didn’t see why anyone would have a problem with that) and accompanying her to various dull diplomatic functions made only slightly less dull by the occasional thwarted assassination attempt.

Kurogane’s number one priority was to protect his princess above all else, as he’d explained to Fai several times -- once complete with diagrams -- and as the mage could occasionally have rational thought he’d expected Fai to understand that after a hard night of maiming his enemies (Kurogane no longer killed them as he had no desire to go on any more unplanned vacations and besides, he was finding out that grievously maiming your enemies really was almost as satisfying as killing them when you got right down to it) he was not in the mood to play. Fai had not been pleased after Kurogane had climbed into bed and gone straight to sleep for nearly a week straight. The magician had tried to bring the matter up with Kurogane twice, but the ninja had just barely managed to get out the talk by pointing out the enemy assassins that just so happened to be scaling the roof across from their room. The look the normally cheerful mage had given the second set of assassins had even given Kurogane pause for a moment.

They had been in the middle of a third conversation earlier, until Souma had arrived to inform Kurogane that Princess Tomoyo was waiting for them. The thoughtful look on Fai’s face as they left had made Kurogane a touch nervous, though he wouldn’t admit it. Souma, walking beside him down the hall, had mentioned that he and Fai had sounded a bit like an old married couple, something which Kurogane had denied vehemently. At the very least, he was not the wife no matter what she thought things had sounded like.

No matter how the argument had gone, Kurogane didn’t expect there to be much more arguing for some time. The visiting nobles were going home, and taking along with them their large variety of bodyguards, maids and serving men, most of whom appeared to be suffering from a variety of serious injuries which they claimed had been inflicted by falling down the stairs. Souma had quietly remarked to Kurogane that Princess Tomoyo must have the most dangerous staircase in the country.

With the departure of their visitors, Kurogane was ready to get some well-deserved rest, and to finally get Fai to stop complaining and poking him every time he entered their room. There were always assassins and such trying to attack Princess Tomoyo, of course, but the amount tended to be smaller and more manageable on a normal day than when they had visiting dignitaries who really wanted to rule the country. Beyond that, Kurogane was the princess’s best ninja, but he wasn’t her only ninja. He considered it his duty to protect her at all costs when he knew there were people about who wanted to her dead, but on nights when that was more of a possibility than a certainty he was willing to give some of the others a chance to practice their skills while he pinned the mage down to the bed and gladly made him shut up for once.

Having seen off the last of the stray visiting servants with a well-placed scowl and a meaningful look at his sword, Kurogane made his way back towards his quarters in a surprisingly good mood. Fai would probably be waiting for him, since there wasn’t much else for the mage to do (Kurogane knew he would have to do something about that eventually, but he was still trying to think of some job that would keep the mage busy but also keep him out of trouble, which was not as easy as he’d hoped). Therefore he was surprised when he opened the door and found his room empty.

Kurogane crossed his arms irritably and considered. He supposed he’d have to go find the damn mage himself now. He wasn’t quite certain where Fai would have gone in the middle of the day, especially since he hadn’t heard any yelling or explosions nearby, and none of the servants had come striding up red-faced demanding that Kurogane do something about the crazy man who was keeping them from doing their jobs. Finding Fai was easier said than done. Kurogane certainly knew the mage better than anyone in the palace, but even he had no idea where Fai would have wandered off to so early in the day. His first stop was the library (Fai had somehow convinced the Royal Tutor to teach him how to read Kurogane’s language), but Fai was nowhere to be seen. He tried the armory (heaven help them all if Fai got a pointed weapon in his hands), the training ground, the bathhouses (it would be just like the stupid mage to wander into the women’s baths and, rather than getting the expected screams and imminent arrival of the guards, would instead somehow end up in happy conversation with the bathers, followed by a good laugh at Kurogane’s expense when the ninja came in looking for him), the servant’s quarters and even the kitchen (Fai was usually not allowed within a ten foot radius of the kitchen, except for the times when Princess Tomoyo was in the mood for something sweet -- she had been very impressed with Fai’s dessert skills). His search turned up empty. Wherever Fai was, he was hidden well and somehow managing not annoy everyone in sight. Kurogane returned to his room frustrated and vowing silently to put the damn magician on a leash whenever he got back.

With nothing better to do, Kurogane leaned back onto the bed and closed his eyes. Wherever Fai was, he was well hidden for now, and Kurogane wasn’t going to waste any more time looking for him. The stupid mage would probably find his way back eventually and until then Kurogane was going to get some well-deserved rest.

He was just settling into a comfortable drowsy feeling when the door slammed open, accompanied by a familiar, far-too-cheerful voice.

“Ah! There you are, Kuro-pi!”

Kurogane opened one eye and glared. The mage was standing in the doorway, hands behind his back, looking like a cat that had just eaten several very fat canaries.

“What do you mean, ‘there I am’?” Kurogane grunted, sitting up. “You’re the one who wandered off. Where the hell’ve you been?”

“Around,” Fai said vaguely, shutting the door behind him and slowly weaving his way towards the bed. Along the way he paused for a moment to set down the book he’d been holding behind his back on a chair before finally making his way over to Kurogane. “Was little Kuro-wan lonely?”

“Hmmph.” Kurogane snorted. “You better not have gotten into any trouble. It seems like I’m the one who keeps hearing about it every time you do something stupid.”

“Trouble?” Fai repeated, all wide-eyed innocence. It was the sort of face that practically screamed ‘Who, me? I’m innocent as the day is long, I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about.’ The kind of face that never failed to give Kurogane a sinking feeling. Noticing Kurogane’s dubious look, Fai settled into a more serious tone of voice. “Don’t worry, Kuro-rin. I was just off having a chat with someone. Since Kuro-kichi runs off all the time and leaves me so lonely.” Fai’s voice took on a tone of long suffering, which Kurogane ignored.

“Shut up.” Kurogane waved a hand. “And come here already.”

Fai was more than happy to jump into the kiss, which was fine with Kurogane. Things really worked out much better when he didn’t let Fai talk. Things progressed nicely after that point and they were both only half dressed when Fai, in one swift smooth movement that even Kurogane’s trained eyes couldn’t quite follow, deftly slid out from underneath Kurogane and the ninja suddenly found himself pinned facedown on the bed.

“What--what the hell are you doing?!” Kurogane growled, face red. Fai’s smile radiated flowers and rainbows.

“I thought Kuro-tan might like to be on the bottom for once!” As Fai spoke, Kurogane could swear the damn mage sparkled.

“You thought what?” Kurogane’s voice was low and dangerous and laced with murder.

“You know, Kuro-run, I’ve been thinking,” Fai continued, cheerfully oblivious to the Look of Certain Death he was receiving. “All the magic has gone out of our relationship.” He sighed dramatically for extra effect.

Kurogane just kept glaring at him, which Fai seemed to take as a cue to continue.

“It used to be so wonderful.” The mage gestured expansively. “Remember how you used to bring me flowers all the time--”

“I never--” Kurogane started and was easily steamrolled.

“--and you would greet me every morning with a kiss and an ‘I love you’--”

“Like hell I did!”

“--and then we’d cuddle all day long--”

Kurogane opened his mouth to object again, then stopped. There really wasn’t any point in it.

“--and you’d leave me these cute little love notes all over the place and tell me how special I was. And now, you barely say good morning to me. I’m starting to think you don’t love me anymore.” Fai covered his face with his hands and burst into sobs. Kurogane was unimpressed, noting the mage’s suspiciously dry eyes (not that tears would have convinced him, because Kurogane didn’t doubt that the bastard magician could cry on cue if he needed to).

“So,” Fai continued, recovering very quickly from his sobbing fit, “I decided to get some relationship advice. Tomoyo-chan and I had a very nice chat.”

“You talked to Princess Tomoyo? About us?” Kurogane found himself unconsciously reaching for his sword and had to physically restrain himself from swinging it at the happily oblivious magician’s head.

“Tomoyo-chan was very interested,” Fai said. Kurogane twitched at the ‘chan.’ “She agreed that Kuro-pipi can be very dense about relationship matters, so we’d need to do something about it. She suggested the switching positions idea.”

“She--wait, you--” Kurogane faltered, his brain scarred by thought of his princess happily making decisions about his sex life over tea with an insane magician. “And I am not being on the bottom!” Fai just looked at him. Kurogane had the dismal feeling that he was about to be smiled into submission.

“She had other ideas too, of course,” the magician continued. “We think what Kuro-tan really needs is a good romantic vacation. You’re so tense all the time, it’s no fun at all. Tomoyo-chan said she’d show me how to do this massage that hits just the right--”

“Shut up,” Kurogane said through gritted teeth. He did not want to know why his princess knew about these things, and he did not want to know why she felt the need to share them with the crazed magician. There were some things he just wasn’t meant to hear.

“Don’t be so mean, Kuro-myu,” Fai pouted. “Tomoyo-chan and I thought very hard about this. Because Kuro-sama never lets me come with him on missions or anything and we never spend any time together anymore and I think we need to fix that.”

“You didn’t have to talk to her about it!” Kurogane hissed.

“But Tomoyo-chan was worried about you!” Fai looked affronted. “You’ve been more on edge recently, she noticed it too. And that vein in your forehead has been pulsing a lot more too, like it’s doing now. We had a very nice chat about you, actually. Tomoyo-chan told me all sorts of things! Of course I couldn’t tell you what, because Tomoyo-chan wouldn’t like it, but she knows you very well.” Fai smiled brightly, and Kurogane had the distinct impression of a wolf baring its fangs.

“Would you stop calling her ‘Tomoyo-chan’?” Kurogane asked, sounding a little strained.

“You see, Kuro-pyon, we’ve been discussing it,” Fai continued, as if Kurogane had never spoken. “Tomoyo-chan and I think the problem is that poor Kuro-myu just can’t relax. You’re always so worried about everything happening in the palace and about Tomoyo-chan and about people not understanding me that you make me wait and wait all alone in here while you go and do surly ninja things and it’s gotten very boring. Kuro-rin was so fun before and now all you ever do is glower. Just like you’re doing now.” Fai beamed at the sight of Kurogane’s irritated face, as if the look that had sent assassins fleeing for their lives didn’t faze him a bit, which it probably didn’t.

“You’re the one that’s the problem.” Kurogane snorted. “Whenever you go do something stupid they all come to complain to me about it. The last time you were in the kitchen--”

“Ah, Kuro-pon’s so mean, blaming it all on me,” Fai whimpered. Despite the mage’s distraught tone of voice, Kurogane had the impression that he was being laughed at.

“Would you just...shut up?” Kurogane found himself looking longingly towards his sword again.

“Anyway,” Fai said lightly. “Tomoyo-chan and I started to run out of ideas after a while, because Kuro-pi’s such a specialized case. So we decided to ask Yuko-san for some help and--”

“You asked the dimension hag?” Kurogane suddenly found himself wondering which was likely to give him more pleasure at the moment, having sex with Fai or killing him.

“She was very happy that we asked,” Fai said innocently. “She even suggested some food you might like. She said it would make it easier on you for your first time, though unfortunately Tomoyo-chan said there weren’t any of them in the kitchen. But I’m sure we could try it next time. Oh, and Yuko-san gave me this.” Fai moved away and picked up the book he had been carrying when he’d arrived.

“She said it was called...what was it...ah! The Kama Sutra.” Fai held it out for Kurogane to see. “I can’t read it, but luckily, there are pictures!”

Kurogane stared.

“Of course, it’ll take some practice,” Fai continued merrily. “I think I could manage a few of those positions, I’m very good at that sort of thing, but Kuro-wan is new at this and might need some work, and of course we couldn’t follow all the instructions because we both haven’t the proper equipment if you know what I’m saying but I think if we use them as a guideline and Yuko-san suggested that we might--”

Killing. It was definitely going to be killing. Kurogane reached for his sword.

---

Souma was accompanying Princess Tomoyo to her room when they both heard a loud crashing noise. Souma immediately reached for her weapons, but Tomoyo stopped her with a gesture.

“It’s nothing to worry about, Souma,” the princess said reassuringly.

“But princess--” Souma started, then stopped as she became aware of approaching footsteps.

“Get back here, you bastard!” Kurogane’s familiar voice came echoing down the hall. A moment later, Kurogane’s mage friend came running down the hall, only half-dressed and waving around some foreign book, laughing brightly. As he passed, Souma got a brief glimpse of one of the pages and promptly looked away.

The mage had only just vanished out of sight when Kurogane came flying past, also only half-clothed, sword waving wildly in the air as he yelled various obscenities at the fleeing magician.

An instant later both were out of sight and all Souma could do was stare.

“Princess--was--was that...?” Souma shook her head. “Was that Kurogane?”

“Yes.” Tomoyo-s eyes were sparkling with joy and she was smiling beatifically. “Isn’t it wonderful, Souma?”

Souma glanced down at her princess, then towards where Kurogane had gone, then back at Tomoyo and decided that she probably didn’t want to know.

---

Fai woke up feeling a little bit sore and completely content. Things had been so boring since he’d come to Kurogane’s world, it was really about time that they got back into the old way of doing things, Of course, they’d pretty much demolished the guest room they’d ended up in (Fai had made certain to lock the door since he knew Kurogane was too angry to think of it and after all, he didn’t want them to be interrupted) and it was going to take a good chunk of time to find what happened to their clothes, but all in all Fai was very pleased with how things had turned out.

Fai rolled over to get a better look at Kurogane, still fast asleep beside him. He reached out and drew a lazy circle on the ninja’s chest with a finger, watching his partner sleep. Really, Kurogane had needed this too. He’d been too stiff lately, not letting himself get angry the way he usually did because he was supposed to be a proud ninja in the service of the princess and all that. Fai sighed extravagantly and shook his head at the sleeping figure. Kurogane was such a handful sometimes.

Fai lay there for a few moments watching Kurogane sleep and debating whether he should go back to sleep himself or find Kurogane’s clothes and hide them somewhere obscure. The thought of the look on Kurogane’s face when he found himself stuck with no clothes in the far wing of a palace full of women was too good to pass up, and Fai climbed lazily to his feet.

They’d have to talk about things when Kurogane woke up. Fai had been lazy for long enough, after all, and he’d already talked to Tomoyo about it. He’d tried his best to keep Kurogane in line, but the ninja didn’t seem to realize that there was really nothing wrong in engaging in conversation with the assassins because they don’t expect it and it throws them right off, and sneaking up on ninjas from behind just to surprise them is a good way to practice both your reflexes and theirs as long as you know yours are better, and while visiting ambassadors might consider to be a breach of etiquette to be called silly nicknames the reaction they had to said nicknames was a good way to gauge who was good-natured and easy-going and thus simpler to treat with, and who was a stuck-up bastard who might need to be disposed of in a quiet and efficient way. Really, Fai mused, Kurogane just didn’t understand politics at all.

And no matter what Kurogane thought about Fai’s methods, they really did work best together and that’s what was important. Fai had just needed to give his silly ninja some prodding was all.

Having successfully hidden Kurogane’s clothes and secured himself just a little bit more amusement, Fai curled up against the sleeping ninja, smiling to himself. As he let the drowsiness he felt overtake him, he wondered if maybe, later when they were both awake and refreshed, it would be best to tell Kurogane the truth about their relationship.

No, he decided, stealing another quick glance at the ninja’s sleeping face. It was probably better to leave things as they were.

After all, Kurogane was just so cute when he thought he was in charge.