[fic]Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland 3/8

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland 3/8
Fandom: Slayers
Rating: K+
Pairings/Warnings: Crossdressing and silliness
Previous Parts: 1 2

Zelgadis hadn’t walked very far when he came upon a rather nice-looking house. As he watched, a fishman emerged from the woods near him and walked up to the door, knocking politely. The door swung open, revealing another fishman.

“Invitation from the Queen of Hearts to the Duchess for croquet,” the first fishman said, handing the second one a rolled up letter, which the second fishman promptly handed back.

“Invitation from the Duchess to the Queen of Hearts for croquet,” he said. The two fishmen bowed to each other, then the first one wandered off. The second fishman sat down on the front step of the house and closed the door behind him.

Zelgadis, deciding that this seemed like a good opportunity to get some information, walked over to the fishman.

“Who lives here?” he asked.

“It’s a lovely day,” the fishman said, staring off into space and basically ignoring the chimera. “I will sit here all day and watch the clouds.”

:“That’s very nice,” Zelgadis said sarcastically, crossing his arms. “Do you care if I go inside?”

“You could knock on the door,” the fishman suggested. “But I’m out here, so I won’t hear you. If there was a door out here, then I’d hear you.”

“So I can just go in?” the chimera questioned.

“I will sit out here and watch the clouds,” the fishman said, ignoring him again.

Had Zelgadis arrived at this house first thing, the fishman might have had a chance. But by this point in time, Zel was beyond annoyed and his legs were getting cold because of the dress. Therefore, he was pretty much out of patience.

“Fireball!”

The fishman really did smell quite nice cooked, and Zelgadis had to forcefully remind himself of his vow not to eat anything else. Giving the tasty morsel one last, longing look, the chimera opened the door and headed inside.

The first thing he noticed was that the entire house was full of smoke. Almost immediately he began to cough, and began to wonder why whoever lived there hadn’t died of emphysema. He stumbled through the smoke into the main room, where he could make out three forms.

The first two were a woman and a baby. The woman, who, Zelgadis supposed, was the Duchess, had very long legs and was wearing high heels and a red dress. She carried a lit cigarette in one hand, and Zelgadis couldn’t see her face due to the smoke. The baby was simply a shapeless bundle in her arms.

The third figure was lounging aimlessly on the window, and Zelgadis had to squint to see its face. He was able to make out a pair of closed eyes...and a very familiar smile...

“XELLOS!” Zelgadis dashed to the window and immediately started strangling the fruitcake. “This is all your fault, isn’t it? What are you playing at? I am going to kill you, then have you brought back to life so I can kill you again!”

“Please stop strangling the cat,” the Duchess said calmly from behind him.

“Cat?” The smoke cleared a bit, and Zelgadis could now see that, along with the annoying face and purple hair, was a pair of cat ears, and that he was not strangling a Mazoku, but, indeed, a purple striped cat.

“What the--?” Zelgadis, now confused beyond belief, dropped the cat unceremoniously to the floor, where it began cleaning ash out of its fur. Zelgadis could have sworn it was laughing at him.

“It’s a Cheshire Xellos,” the Duchess said. “Very rare. People like them because of the smile, you know. It’s rather charming.”

“Maybe if you’re insane,” Zelgadis said, too low to be heard. He was still eyeing the Cheshire Xellos with suspicion and barely controlled anger.

“Are you coming to croquet?” the Duchess asked him, taking another puff on her cigarette.

“To what?” Zelgadis turned his attention away from the cat and back to its owner.

“The croquet match being held by the Queen of Hearts,” the Duchess clarified. “In fact, I have to go get changed. Hold this.” She tossed the baby at Zelgadis, who by reflex caught it. The Duchess walked off, leaving tendrils of smoke in her wake.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Zel wondered aloud, looking at the bundle in his arms.

“Run away with it and raise it using your maternal instincts?” suggested the cat.

Zelgadis took a moment to demonstrate his obvious lack of said instincts as he tossed the baby into a chair and grabbed the cat by the scruff of its neck.

“You talked!” he accused.

“So did you !” the Cheshire Xellos exclaimed, sounding completely amazed.

“Xellos,” Zel hissed, “If this is some game you’re playing...”

“I like games,” the cat said offhandedly. “What sort of game would you like to play? Chess? Candy Land? Mahjong?”

“I don’t trust you, fruitcake,” the chimera said dangerously.

“Why ever not?” the Cheshire Xellos asked. “We’ve never even met before. You’re very rude. Don’t you need to take care of that baby?” The cat gestured with his tail towards the wailing bundle on the chair.

“I don’t care about the baby!” Zelgadis snarled.

“That’s not very motherly,” said the Cheshire Xellos, suddenly disappearing from Zel’s hands and reappearing next to the baby. “Catch!” The cat launched the baby at Zel, who caught it once more.

“Why do you want me to take the Duchess’s baby, exactly?” Zel questioned.

“Because it’s the proper thing to do,” the Cheshire Xellos replied, grinning wider. “It’ll die of second hand smoke inhalation in this house. Ah, well. Toodles!” And the cat very slowly disappeared, starting with its tail and going up until only the disembodied grin remained.

Zelgadis sighed, coughed, and exited the house with the baby in tow, more because he didn’t want the thing thrown at him again than anything else. He was just about to enter the forest again when the bundle in his arms snarled and snapped at him.

“What the hell?!” In surprise, Zelgadis dropped the baby. Immediately a full grown wolf crawled out of the blankets where the baby had been and sauntered off into the woods. Zelgadis stared after it, giant question marks floating in the sky above his head. He shooed them away in annoyance, as one kept trying to style his hair.

Just a Zelgadis was shooing away the last of the question marks, the wind picked up and pulled on his skirt. A sudden chuckle from next to him made him start.

“I never figured you for a flowered underwear sort of person,” commented the Cheshire Xellos from his perch in a tree. Zelgadis’s face reddened in embarrassment and anger, and he quickly got control of his skirt.

“What are you doing here?” the chimera demanded.

“Enjoying the pleasure of your company?” The Cheshire Xellos shrugged noncommittally.

“I don’t suppose you could give me some useful information?” Zelgadis grumbled. “Like how to get home, perhaps?”

“Oh, I know how you can get home,” the Cheshire Xellos said, nodding.

“How?”

“Well....that’s a secret.”

“Grr....Fireball!” The Cheshire Xellos calmly teleported out of fireball and reappeared, smile first, in the air above Zel’s head.

“Did I say something wrong?” the cat asked in tones of perfect innocence.

“I’m going to kill you,” Zelgadis swore. “I’m going to kill you a lot. As much as possible.”

“I didn’t do anything,” whimpered the Cheshire Xellos. He floated down to Zel and patted the chimera’s chin. “You should be nicer to strangers.”

“Shut up,” Zelgadis said, and tried to catch the cat, who hovered back out of reach.

“I can’t tell you how to get home,” the Cheshire Xellos said, “but if you’d like, I can tell you how to get to another house where you might get help.”

“Then tell me!” Zelgadis said.

“What’s the magic word?” the cat said, wagging a claw at him.

“Fireball!” Another fireball just missed the floating cat.

“No, that’s not it,” the Cheshire Xellos said. “Try again!”

“Elmekia lance!” This spell finally hit, singing the cat’s purple fur. Oddly, it didn’t seem too upset about being fried.

“No, not it either,” the Cheshire Xellos said. "In fact, technically, that was two words."

“Please?” Zelgadis muttered through clenched teeth.

“Bingo!” The cat began to clap. “Good job! Have some cake.” He pulled some cake out of nowhere and dropped it into Zel’s hand. The chimera jumped back as if burned and tossed the cake onto the ground.

“Oh no! Not again!” he swore.

“If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have dropped it,” the Cheshire Xellos admonished. “Now, what was it I was going to tell you?”

“Where I can get help,” Zelgadis said in dangerous tones.

“Oh yeah!” The cat waved a paw in one direction. “In that direction lives a Lina, and in that direction,” it waved the other paw, “lives the March Gourry. They’re both mad though.”

“A....mad Lina?” In Zel’s mind, those two words in succession were synonymous with true fear. “Is there anyone nearby who’s not mad?”

“We’re all mad here,” the Cheshire Xellos told him. “I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“If you were in a dress, you’d be mad too!” growled Zel.

“But you look so pretty!” That statement only earned the Cheshire Xellos another fireball launched his way. The cat sighed and disappeared, leaving only his disembodied smile.

Zelgadis took a moment to smooth out the wrinkles in his dress, then headed off in the direction of the March Gourry’s house, deciding that even a jellyfish brain was better than a mad Lina. He had barely taken two steps when the Cheshire Xellos reappeared.

“I forgot to ask,” he said. “What happened to the baby?”

“Turned into a wolf,” Zel told him, looking pointedly away. “Like you didn’t know.”

“Who me?” The Cheshire Xellos blinked his eyes innocently, then disappeared again. Zelgadis started walking once more, but this time he only got in one step before the Cheshire Xellos appeared again.

“You did say wolf, right? Just to be sure,” the cat said, licking a paw.

“You know damn well what I said!” Zelgadis snapped.

“You know, you’re cute when you’re angry,” the Cheshire Xellos said, and planted a furry kiss right on Zel’s lips. Zelgadis stood still for a moment in shock, then his eyes began to blaze.

“You--you--” Zelgadis sputtered, too angry to think of something sufficiently dirty to call the cat. “Ra Tilt!”

When the smoke cleared, a smile still floated in the air above him.

“See you at the croquet match!” The Cheshire Xellos blew Zel a kiss and disappeared completely.

Zelgadis stalked off in the direction of the March Gourry’s house, all the while contemplating how many ways one could skin a cat.