[fic]Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland 5/8

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Zelgadis-chan in Wonderland 5/8
Fandom: Slayers
Rating: K+
Pairings/Warnings: Crossdressing and silliness
Previous Parts: 1 2 3 4

The first thing Zel did upon realizing where he was look about warily for any bottles. A thorough search of the room showed that he was alone, so he raywinged up to the glass table and retrieved the key he had left there. Still seeing no one else around, he carefully flew over to the small door.

“Please let this lead out of here,” he murmured. “For the sake of my sanity if nothing else.”

He put the key in the lock and turned it. The little door opened and Zelgadis stepped out into the tiny garden. Slowly the chimera walked in between the flowers, until he heard sounds coming from nearby.

“No, no, no! We already did that one!”

“My mistake, Six-sama!”

“Over here, Nine! We still need to fix this one!”

Zelgadis peered around a tree and immediately felt his headache return. Oddly, though, he was also struck with the sudden urge to laugh. Zel decided that it had to be hysteria.

Standing in front of him were three talking, walking cards : a six of hearts, a nine of diamonds, and an eight of spades. That in itself would have been odd enough, but the cards also had the faces of Gaav, Valgaav, and Saygram. Valgaav (the nine) and Saygram (eight) were painting what appeared to be a rose tree. Gaav, the six, was supervising.

“Um....excuse me?” Zelgadis had no idea why he decided to go talk to them. He supposed that if he hadn’t, they would have found him anyway. His luck just ran that way. “What are you doing?”

“What the @#^%! does it look like we’re doing?” Valgaav muttered, dipping a paintbrush into a can of red paint and turning to one of the white roses. There was nothing but a long string of beeps where Zelgadis could've sworn swearing was when Valgaav spoke.

“We’re painting the roses red,” Gaav said. He glared at Zelgadis. “And what are you doing here, little lady?”

“I’m not a lady,” Zelgadis muttered.

“If you’re a boy, you’re awfully femme-looking,” Saygram stated, touching up the last few petals of a rose.

“He really does look female, doesn’t he?” Gaav laughed. “So, Fem-Boy, you didn’t answer my question.”

“You have a ponytail and I’m the feminine one?” Zelgadis growled.

“Don’t you dare insult Six-sama!” Val threatened, grabbing the front of Zel’s dress.

“You might not want to grab him there, Nine,” Saygram mentioned, not looking at them. “If the Queen walked by, she might think you were fondling our guest.”

“Don’t be disgusting!” Valgaav dropped Zel and rounded on Saygram.

“Nine!” Gaav barked, and Valgaav froze. “Get your butt back to the tree!”

“At once, Six-sama!” Val dashed back over to the tree and resumed painting.

“Now, as for you,” Gaav turned on Zelgadis, “get out of here before I make you get out.”

“No offense, but why exactly are you painting the roses?” Zelgadis wondered. “Bored of the original color?”

“They were supposed to be red, but someone sent us the wrong tree,” Valgaav reported from where he was painting. “@#$%& idiot probably doesn’t know how much trouble he could be getting us into.”

“The Queen of Hearts will be very angry if she finds white roses,” Saygram explained. “She’s....fond of chopping off people’s heads for no reason.”

“Oh.” Zel’s hand went reflexively to his throat and he quickly ran through a mental litany of his spells.

“And she’ll be chopping off our heads if you don’t get back to work!” Gaav barked.

“Yes, Six-sama!” the two minions said in unison and resumed painting with new vigor.

Zelgadis was just about to leave when another voice rang out over the garden.

“What do you think you’re doing to my roses? Off with their heads!”

The chimera turned to see a procession rounding the corner. In the lead were the guards, all cards with Mazoku heads. Zel recognized one as Tiiba, and another appeared to have the face of the fictitious Zoamelgustar. Followed by the guards were the courtiers, all chibi dragons save for the Filia rabbit who Zel noticed near the front. After them were various other figures. Zel thought he saw Lina and the March Gourry among them. Behind them came the Knave of Hearts, who appeared to be Rezo. Zel just barely managed to check his instinct to kill. The Knave of Hearts was carrying what appeared to be a ragged red hat on a soft velvet pillow. The reason for this became clear when the King and Queen of Hearts stepped forward. The King of Hearts was Zangulus, resplendent in the what must have been the world’s most shabby red royal cloak. Hanging on his arm was the Queen of Hearts, Martina, in a red bikini and tights combo with a large golden crown on her head. As soon as she saw Zelgadis and the three painters, she unattached herself and strode towards them. The King wandered over to another tree, murmuring to himself,

“I wonder if the March Gourry’s here yet. He promised me a rematch.”

“Who are you?” Martina demanded, marching right up to Zel and poking him in the chest. “I didn’t invite you! Off with her head! Off with her head!”

“Aren’t you overreacting a bit?” Zelgadis asked her, sweatdropping.

“I’m the Queen! I don’t overreact!” Martina proclaimed in a shrill voice.

“She just overacts,” muttered Valgaav from behind the chimera. The three cards snickered softly. Unfortunately, they weren’t snickering soft enough.

“What’s so funny?!” Martina demanded. Her eyes found the rose tree. “Why are my roses covered in paint?” Her voice rose another pitch or two. “King honey! My roses are all messed up!”

“Hmm?” Zangulus looked up from his scanning of the crowd. “What was that? Roses?”

“Sweetie pie,” whimpered Martina, clinging to the King’s royal cape. “The nasty cards ruined my rose bush.”

“That’s nice, dear,” Zangulus told his queen. “You do what you want with them. Hey, is that the March Gourry over there? March Gourry! Fight me!” He wandered off towards the hare, while Martina turned to the cards with a demonic look of happiness on her face. She sucked in a breath, and everyone in the garden except for Zel and the gardeners covered their ears.

“Off with their heads!” Martina shouted, making a grandiose gesture with her hands. Her voice was loud enough to deafen Zel for a minute or so, not that he found that a bad thing. The guards moved forward and apprehended the three gardeners.

“Aw, shit!” grumbled Valgaav.

“Shut up, Nine!” Saygram growled. “This is all your fault!”

“It is not!”

“Is so!”

“Is not!”

“It’s both your faults,” Gaav barked. “I hope you’re happy with yourselves.”

“Gomen, Nine-sama,” the other two said in unison as they were led away. Zel stared after them.

“As for you...” Martina turned her attentions to Zel. “Do you know how to play croquet?”

“Uh...croquet?” Zelgadis had the distinct feeling that things were about to get weird again. Well, more weird than they already were.

“We’re having a croquet match today!” Martina waved a hand, and suddenly a big neon sign proclaiming ‘The Queen of Hearts Croquet Match’ appeared out of nowhere. “Since you’re here, you must play! Everyone else is playing, though, of course, I’ll probably win!”

“Fat chance!” called a voice from the crowd. Zel recognized Lina standing smugly by a tree. Martina stalked over to her.

“Watch your tongue, minion!” Martina growled. “Or it’ll be off with your head!”

“Try me, Queenie!” Lina hissed.

“Grr...let the match begin!” Martina produced a small book from her bikini. Where the book was hiding, Zel couldn’t tell. “The winner will receive this shiny new abridged version of the Claire Bible!”

As the rest of the group cheered, Zel sighed. He should have guessed.

“All right,” he muttered in defeat. “Let’s play.”

The cards immediately began handing out croquet balls and croquet sticks. But, since Zelgadis was around so therefore nothing could be simple, the balls were actually hedgehogs and the sticks were flamingos. To make matters worse, Zel’s pink flamingo seemed quite taken with him and immediately tried to kiss him. Even worse, said flamingo appeared to be male.

“I’m not a girl!” Zelgadis growled at his flamingo, who ignored him and tried to kiss him again. “Stop that! Fireball!”

With a very docile (and very nicely cooked) flamingo in his hands, Zelgadis attempted to hit one of the hedgehogs. The flamingo was just about to hit the hedgehog when the spiky creature sat up and began to lecture Zel.

“Why are you trying to hit me? What did I ever do to you?” The hedgehog began to sniffle. “You’re--you’re a big meanie!” It began to cry. “I hate you!”

“Stop that!” Zelgadis snapped. He snorted. “Baby.”

“You jerk!” The hedgehog kicked Zel in shins, which didn’t hurt but did look a little ridiculous. “Take that! And that!”

Zelgadis glared at the hedgehog, then tossed his flamingo aside and kicked the hedgehog. It sailed across the garden and rolled under one of the wickets.

“Foul!” cried the Queen of Hearts, stamping a foot. “That didn’t count!” She turned to her husband, who was engaged in a flamingo duel with the March Gourry. “Kingy, tell her that she doesn’t get any points!”

“Whatever you say, dear!” the king shouted back, not looking at her. He swung his flamingo at the March Gourry, who parried it with his own. “Ha! You have gotten even better, March Gourry! But my flamingo shall not lose!”

For his part, Zelgadis was only a little annoyed that he hadn’t gotten any points. For one thing, the wickets had been formed by the Queen’s guards and occasionally tending to move whenever anyone except Martina got a hedgehog through them. For another, he had gotten a better look at Martina’s Claire Bible, only to see that the cover read ‘Claire Bible for Dummies.’ Somehow, that didn’t fill him with confidence as far as its authenticity was concerned. Even so, the chimera began hunting about for his flamingo again. The bird found him, however, and tried to kiss him again.

“My, you’re popular with the wildlife,” said an annoying voice from behind him.

“You!” Zelgadis growled, spotting the Cheshire Xellos hovering behind him. Or, more preciously, the head of the Cheshire Xellos hovering behind him. The rest of the cat was still invisible.

“That’s right! I’ve come to cheer you on....why are you doing that?” The Cheshire Xellos looked on in confusion as Zelgadis started banging his head against a tree.

“You are exactly what I don’t need right now,” Zelgadis muttered, glaring at the cat.

“So kind of you to say that,” the Cheshire Xellos replied. “I see you lost a point.”

“Not like I care,” Zel sniffed, crossing his arms.

“So how do you like the Queen of Hearts?” the cat continued. “She’s more feminine than you, don’t you think?”

“It’s not difficult to be more feminine than me seeing as I’m a boy!” Zelgadis half-screamed. “And no, I don’t like the Queen. She’s almost as obnoxious as you.”

“What was that?!” Martina came stalking up behind him. “What did you say?” Her eyes found the floating cat. “Ack! What is that?”

“An annoyance,” Zelgadis replied curtly.

“Stop smiling!” Martina ordered the Cheshire Xellos, who, since he had been told to stop, naturally smiled even wider than before. “I said, stop!” She rounded on Zelgadis. “Make it stop smiling!”

“Ask the Duchess to,” Zelgadis grumbled. “He’s certainly not my cat.”

“The Duchess is in jail,” Martina huffed. She turned to a guard. “Go bring me the Duchess!” As the guard rushed off, Martina turned back to the Cheshire Xellos, smiling smugly. “I’ll show you. Off with his head!”

The executioner, who had been sitting in a small field of daises playing with some canaries, jumped to his feet and grabbed his ax. He eyed the floating head dubiously.

“Um,....my Queen? If it’s just a head, how do I chop off it’s head?”

“I don’t care how you do it! Just do it!” Martina stamped her feet and turned to Zelgadis. “Well? How do you chop off it’s head?”

“If you figure it out,” Zelgadis replied darkly, “be sure to tell me.” He stalked off to find his flamingo.

Meanwhile, behind him, the Queen of Hearts proceeded to have a temper tantrum. The Cheshire Xellos watched Zelgadis go and kept smiling.