[fic]Wish We Never Met 8/?

[caffeine_buzz]

Title: Wish We Never Met 8/?
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: T
Pairings/Warnings: AkiHika
Previous Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

“Touya!” Hikaru seemed almost as shocked as Akira himself was. “I--I wasn’t expecting you to--”

“Shindou.” Akira struggled to keep his voice formal and very nearly failed. “We...we need to talk, you and I.”

“I thought you wanted me to leave you alone,” Hikaru said roughly, and something inside Akira winced.

This is all a long mistake of my own making, he thought miserably. But...if I go now, that’s it. I won’t be able to speak to him again, and everything truly will change. I can’t go back now, can’t return. I speak and we change, or I’m silent and we change, and either way I’m miserable for the rest of my life. But a mistake needs fixing and a true confession needs to be made, and I know it.

“Things have changed,” Akira said carefully. “But I really need to talk to you, Shindou. It’s important.”

“Well--well maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” Hikaru said irritably, though Akira could hear a note of sadness behind the other boy’s voice.

Because Shindou is hurt as well, Akira realized. And it’s my fault. My mistake. My own foolishness and rashness coming back to haunt me, because I refused to see.

“I understand your feelings,” Akira said, his voice cool even as he told the lie. “And......I’m sorry, Shindou. I shouldn’t have hit you.”

“That’s not it,” Hikaru said. “Look, Touya, you told me to leave you alone, right? And I’ve tried to get through to you and make you stop acting so weird and irritated and it’s not working, so--so why don’t we just leave each other alone for now? Until you start acting like yourself again.”

“I’m not myself, I know,” Akira said. “That’s why we must talk, Shindou. I came all the way here to talk to you, and I won’t leave until I tell you what I came here to tell you.”

Hikaru stared at Akira for a long moment, then nodded and sighed.

“You’re stubborn, you know that?” he murmured, a whisper of a smile appearing on his lips.

“So are you,” Akira replied, suddenly feeling too nervous to even attempt his own smile. He suddenly found himself wondering if it wasn’t too late to run away from him and return home.

Stop being so foolish, he told himself sternly as he followed Hikaru into the other boy’s house. This is what I wanted to do, isn’t it? I have things to say now. It’s far too late to turn back. Though Shindou’s face would be interesting to see, wouldn’t it, if I suddenly turned and started running?

“I’m home,” Hikaru called as he entered the house with Akira trailing along behind like a reluctant puppy.

“Oh, Hikaru, one of your friends was here...” His mother’s words trailed off as she caught sight of Akira. “Oh, I see he was still here. Will you be going into your room? Should I bring you anything?”

“Nah, we’re fine,” Hikaru said. He glanced back at Akira. “Come on, Touya.”

“Oh, right.” Akira, who had been hovering anxiously in the doorway, quickly made to follow Hikaru up the stairs.

So this is Shindou’s house, he thought, looking around himself as if trying to memorize it all. I’d like to come here again, if he’ll allow it. It’s....well, I’m thinking too far ahead. How should I talk to him? I can’t think about the future much now; I have far too many worries about the present. He might make me leave after this is all over. He might...who knows what he might do. He might hate me. I don’t know.

I don’t know, and I think that, in a way, it scares me.

“So, what is it?” Hikaru entered his room and almost petulantly threw himself down on the bed. Akira followed him more hesitantly, staring around at the room. “Well? Touya?”

“I...” Akira felt a lump rising in his throat as he closed the door and turned to face Hikaru. What do I say? ‘I love you?’ He knows that. I already apologized for what happened yesterday, though perhaps not enough. And also...

How much of that anger before was true? He seemed almost sad to me, hurt like I thought, but...he

was angry. No, he is angry. Because he doesn’t understand this any more than I do, so he’s just as confused and possibly even more annoyed than I am, because I’m acting differently from usual. Because I’ve been confused and upset, and somehow I’ve managed to take it all out on him.

“Well?” Hikaru wasn’t looking at him now, and it made Akira nervous that he couldn’t read the other boy’s expression.

“I....I’m sorry,” he said quietly, because he didn’t know what else to say.

“You already apologized,” Hikaru reminded him quietly.

“Yes, I know, but...I’m just sorry.” Akira sighed, shaking his head. “I know that I’ve...that I’ve been cold to you lately, that I’ve been acting strange. I’ve felt it as well. I’ve been fighting with it. And I never know what to say to you, so I just thought it would be better if I had nothing to say to you. It’s hard to explain.”

“Yeah,” Hikaru said, his face turned away. “Touya....I don’t know what the heck you want me to say. I thought all this was my fault and I apologized a zillion times and you still--”

“I know,” Akira said. “That’s why I’m apologizing this time. I’ve said things to you that I didn’t quite mean, because I thought that it would help force things to make sense. Lately it seems like I’ve been confused and I haven’t known why--and when I learned the reason, it was one that I couldn’t accept. But Shindou....”

“Do you hate me?” Hikaru asked suddenly. “I mean, you said before that you did. Do you?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Akira replied almost automatically and saw Hikaru’s shoulders slump.

“So, I’m an idiot now. What’d you say before? That I’m all emotion or something? Maybe I am. And I’m an idiot too, because I thought we were friends and that everything was okay, and then you suddenly start going nuts at me!” Hikaru’s voice was raw now, and Akira saw with surprising clarity exactly how deeply his words had cut.

Why did I have to be so stupid about all this? he thought helplessly. I wanted the world to just go away, I wanted time to reverse so that I wouldn’t have to face these things, and now Shindou is hurt and angry, and it’s my fault. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t predict life the way I predict moves in a game of Go.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, voice hesitant.

“I guess we both are, huh?” Hikaru replied. He turned to face Akira again, and his eyes were intent. “Is that all?”

“No,” Akira said. There was silence as Hikaru waited for him to continue, but Akira seemed unwilling to say anything more.

“Touya?” Hikaru prompted, and this time Akira looked away.

“This isn’t easy to say,” Akira said, his voice distant and thoughtful. What can I tell him? That everything I said before was a lie, except for my loving him? That I almost called his house that day when I was sick, just to hear his voice? That I think about him when I know I shouldn’t, that I’m not myself because of him? That I don’t want to feel anything, but I do? That’s it’s all because of him? That--that I’ve been lying to us both? I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. I love him, and I can barely find the words to tell him.

“Whenever I have nothing else to do, I recreate games,” Akira heard himself say, and it was as if another person was speaking and he was only listening in. “I do it often. I’ve recreated hundreds of games, some my own, some my father’s, some that I’ve only studied and never seen played. But lately, lately, I only find myself recreating one game. Whenever I’m not really thinking about where I’m placing the stones, when I’m only recreating the game because I want to think and I need my hands to be busy, I always end up playing the same game. I play it flawlessly each time, because I know precisely -- precisely -- where each stone has to go. Without even really looking at the board, I play the stones perfectly, and each time, it’s always the same game. Without even realizing it, I unfailingly play that exact game, over and over again, as if it’s burned into my mind. I always play that one game.

“Do you know what game it is? I play that game against you, that second game we played. It always seems to come down to that game, because that the game that eventually led me to chase you. And it’s a game that I always play, even without realizing it.”

“But that’s not me anymore,” Hikaru said quietly, and there was some unidentifiable sadness in his voice.

“But it is you,” Akira said forcefully. “You’ve changed since then, we both have, but--but you’re still Shindou. I’ve still been chasing and being chased by you. And it all truly began with that game. The first game was our first acquaintance, but it was the second that made me wish to play you again for as long as it would take, the game which made my heart decide that you were the one that would be my rival. It was the game that made--that made me see you. I always play that game. Do you know why?”

“You’re still just chasing the old me,” Hikaru said, and there was a sharp pain in his voice. “The ghost that--that isn’t here anymore.”

“No,” Akira said, just a whisper of a word. Why does he sound so upset? What is this pain in him right now? I don’t understand. But I want to. Right now I--I want so much to understand him. I want to be the one to comfort him. I want to be the one to tell him that I understand, that I care. Why is it so hard to just say it?

“I....I replay that game,” he repeated, eyes half-closed, “because part of me is always thinking of you. Because even if it took me so long to realize it fully, you’ve been a part of me for a long time now. I didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t accept it. I thought that if I refused to play the game, then it would end without a victor. I know I’ve done so many ridiculous, awful things in the past few days, all because I couldn’t accept things. But I’ve never really had such feelings before. I didn’t understand them. I just knew that I was replaying the same game, over and over, and thinking of you without realizing it.

“I’ve said a lot of things that I didn’t mean in the past few days. I’ve said that I hate you, that I wish I hadn’t met you. But I--I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you. Because I do, Shindou. S-somehow, I started to love you, and try as I might, I haven’t been able to stop.”

There was another long, awkward silence. Hikaru was staring down at the bedspread, clearly struggling with a reply. Akira suddenly felt horribly overwhelmed and turned away himself, wrapping his arms around himself and staring intently out at the bookshelf.

He’s quiet. He’s never this quiet, Akira thought anxiously. But what else did I expect? The last time I told him of my feelings I ran away from him. I can’t expect things to be set right so easily. But is he quiet because he’s overwhelmed or confused, or is he just angry? Or disgusted, even? Perhaps I should have just kept lying to him, let him think that we’re nothing more than friends.

No. That’s almost as foolish as hating him was. I have to know his feelings, even if it means that he hates me. I don’t think I can be happy without knowing. Akira closed his eyes. It’s too late now, to stop loving him, to sweep it under the carpet. I learned that before. If I hadn’t said anything, it still wouldn’t go away. It still wouldn’t stop hurting.

“I...I don’t have an answer to that,” Hikaru said, and Akira turned to face him. Hikaru’s face was marked by confusion and uncertainty. “I--I mean...Touya, what am I supposed to say to that? Last time you told me that--”

“I know what I did last time,” Akira said. “I was mistaken. I’m sorry. That’s why I’ve been apologizing, why I had to talk to you. I was wrong before, I--I couldn’t understand my own feelings. It was stupid. But I’m not running away this time, Shindou.”

Hikaru nodded, but didn’t replay. He glanced out the window, then looked back at Akira.

“I...” He shook his head again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Hell, I don’t know what I want to say, even.”

“Do you hate me?” Akira asked, desperately trying to keep his voice calm.

“No!” Hikaru said quickly, and his obvious desire to reassure Akira made the other boy’s heart beat just a bit faster. “Touya, I-I didn’t want us to stay mad at each other forever or anything like that and I don’t hate you, of course I don’t hate you, I’ve been mad at you, sure, but I never hated you, I just--I just don’t know what I can say to you.”

“I’m not sure what I want you to say,” Akira admitted. I don’t want you to say you love me if you don’t mean it, Shindou. But if you don’t--I’m not sure if I want to hear that, either. We’re both caught now. You don’t have a reply, and I don’t have one either.

“Could...could you just, you know, leave for a while?” Hikaru said. He seemed to have some difficulty getting the words out. “I think I kinda need some time to think about this. I--I don’t know what I feel about you, Touya, I really don’t. I thought we were friends, but...” He sighed. “You were kinda right, though, when you said that I don’t treat you like my other friends, just cause I--I thought that you wouldn’t like doing other stuff with me besides playing Go and all, and I never really asked you otherwise. I don’t know. I just feel like, if you weren’t even sure that we were friends, then maybe I wasn’t doing a very good job. But I don’t think that I....” He trailed off, and Akira paled slightly. “I just need some time to think, okay?”

“Of course,” Akira said, trying to keep the hurt from his voice.

“But I don’t think that I....” That what? You never finished that sentence. Never could love me? I can’t blame you for that. It’s only that...

...only that it

hurts and it’s never hurt like this before....

“I’ll see you in a few days, then?” Akira said, and Hikaru nodded.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I think we’ve both apologized enough for one day, don’t you think?” Akira said sadly, before turning to leave. He heard Hikaru say his name behind him, and didn’t look back.

What more did I want? Akira thought bitterly as he descended the stairs. What did I expect, really? I couldn’t ask him to give me a reply right there. It--it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to ask such a thing. I shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t able to reply, that he needs time. I should have expected it.

It’s a perfectly logical thing for him to ask. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t need a few days. It’s easy for him to say that he doesn’t hate me, but saying anything beyond that--it’s too much for me to ask of him. How long did it take me to come to a conclusion in regards to my own feelings? I shouldn’t have any reason to be upset.

Akira nodded firmly as he left Hikaru’s house and headed unwaveringly for the train station.

It’s perfectly sensible for him to need a few days. I understand that. I should have expected this.

But why does it still hurt this much?